This Mommy Runs on Caffeine

This Mommy Runs on Caffeine

August 25, 2010

My Crappiest Post Yet....

I'm starting with the full disclosure that this post should not be read on an full stomach, or when you're hungry, or if you have no sense of humor.... it's about poop... yep, number two- so don't say I didn't warn you

Being a parent means that you are going to deal with bodily functions quite often- projectile vomiting (not yet, thank goodness and knock on wood), dirty diapers, snotty noses, spit-up- a definate right of passage when you are a Mommy- or in this case, a Daddy.  On Monday, after a fun and free (thank you Sacramento Zoo!) afternoon hanging out with Grandma H, we decided to go out to eat dinner (never mind the 400 lbs. of food left over from the birthday bash....) we went to a local pizza/ restaurant- a nice one- cloth napkins and two forks even.  So the three and a half of us settle in for a leisurely dinner and the dinner convo rolls around to poop (somehow reminds me of the family dinner table during high school) after my dear hubby- who is holding the 'half'- states that he feels a bubbling on his leg and thinks she's 'makin' a present.'  I confirm just by looking at her- she has the cutest little poopie face that you could ever imagine (sometimes accompanied by fists of fury too).  After the childish giggles subside, he slings the diaper bag over the shoulder and ventures to the bathroom for a change.  Usually this is a quick turn to let me know that there isn't a changing 'table' (I use that term loosely for those annoying but necessary plastic contraptions attached to walls in public bathrooms) and passing the girl over to me (I will hold the rant for lackof said changing tables in most 'family' venues to another post).  I instead suggest that he go out to the car- the empty trunk, or the stroller is much more convenient.  Kiera HATES those hard changing tables, so I try to avoid using them if possible- I'm becoming so proficient at 'car' changes!

After a few minutes, being the loving wife that I am, decided to go help knowing that she can be a handful when you try to re-dress her and am surprised to see him heading back my way.  Much to his surprise, her 'present' had somehow 'bubbled' out of the side of her diaper (pull out the ruffles!) and right onto his white shorts.  Don't ask me how I managed to not laugh out loud because I was ROFLMAO inside!  Yep- there was a ginourmous pea poo-green streak across his shorts at mid-thigh level. And me? I'm worried that she got any on her.... nope- none on her OR even in the diaper really.  It's all on Jason... who goes inside to clean up.

So, I change her, and return to a nearly empty (thank GAWD for Jason's sake) restaurant to finish dinner... sort of.  We were still a bit childish and couldn't help but laugh at the sheer talent of the mini one of how she could position herself to miss the diaper and hit his leg.... thankfully he wasn't wearing his running shorts with the shorter inseam!!!  Or worse??  Ewww....  Well, it was so bad, and I'm such a crappy (ha!) wife, that I made him walk home. (Just kidding!  Kiera had fallen asleep in her stroller so he decided to walk her the 1.5 miles home instead of having to wake up the birthday hung-over sleeping babe).

As  you very well know that 'fun' stuff always happens in pairs or sets, so leave it to 'Mr. Murphy' for Kiera to pick the moment that we set her in a bath (perfect storm- she usually gets the bath in the evening but since she was so tired from a day at the zoo and playing with Grandma, we put her straght to bed; I had a fleeting thought to wait a few minutes as she's pretty 'regular' so we didn't have to give the bathtub a bath also.  Yeah.  Not sure which one of us noticed the poopie face first.  So, what do you do?  Grab a diaper and try to patch the hole?  Empty out the water (yep, full of water)? Aim her over the toilet?  Nope- fish the bath toys out of the water and wait.  And yes, the bathtub and bathseat also got their own bath prior to Take Two.  Er, no pun intended....

And for the trifecta?  Instead of peeking into the next diaper- he sticks his finger down her back.... yep.  Surprise!  Oh, they joys of parenthood and learning the hard way! ( :

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