September 28, 2009
Exactly What Did I Think Motherhood Was Going to Be Like???
She has been in our lives for just 40 days; and in our hearts for five years; yet I STILL can't believe that she is mine. Sometimes I am brought to tears looking at her- happy ones of course. My life as I once knew it has been turned upside down, and will never ever be the same- from sleep-deprived (well, not entirely, but definately less than I was used to) nights; taking 30 minutes just to get out of the house to go to the grocery store; doing most things with one hand; and having worry fill every minute of your day. The shift has taken some getting used to, but I don't mind!
Maternalistic feelings are supposed to be an innate quality of most average women; I've been a 'fur-mom' to pets most of my adult life and am used to the responsibility of taking care of them, but oh my gosh, NOTHING can prepare you for THIS. I guess I really didn't think much about what being a parent was going to be like during my pregnancy. I thought about diapers and formula, school plays, cute little outfits (read: never ending laundry!), nursery colors, but not the real nuts and bolts that really can't be described in a book or on a website. It's a potpourri of mixed emotions and such: challenging yet rewarding; fun yet hard work; happy and sad. The emotions have been the hardest thing to deal with. For as much as I was excited to welcome Baby Kiera to our family, the guilt over the not-so-great emotions have been hard.
From the beginning, it was love at first site: I couldn't stop smiling the first 72 hours after having the baby. It was once the initial euphoria wore off that it got hard- I'm hearing/ reading that this is completely normal. We're so lucky to have a very, very good baby; but even so it has been a tiresome experience and there were quite a few times (mainly as a very frustrated mommy at 3 a.m with a fussy little girl in my lap) I was thinking, "What the heck am I doing? What did I get myself into? How can I be thinking this after trying so many years to have a baby?" And then Kiera looks up at me with her soulful little blue eyes and it melts my heart; and I take a deep breath and put the pacy back in her mouth (or is it mine?)! I know that I would walk to the ends of the earth for my daughter (that's still weird to hear coming out of my mouth- I have a daughter!). Our bond is growing stronger each day, and I relish her waking moments to see her personality beginning to form.