This Mommy Runs on Caffeine

This Mommy Runs on Caffeine

September 28, 2009

Exactly What Did I Think Motherhood Was Going to Be Like???

It's 12:27 a.m. and I am sitting here staring at Kiera Mckenzie: she is just an angel sprawled out next to me, seemingly without a care in the world (except perhaps formula?).  I want to pick her up and smother her little face with kisses, but fear waking her as she wasn't a happy camper when she went to sleep.  (Tell me, what exactly DOES a 6 week old baby have to be upset about???) 

She has been in our lives for just 40 days; and in our hearts for five years; yet I STILL can't believe that she is mine.  Sometimes I am brought to tears looking at her- happy ones of course.  My life as I once knew it has been turned upside down, and will never ever be the same- from sleep-deprived (well, not entirely, but definately less than I was used to) nights; taking 30 minutes just to get out of the house to go to the grocery store; doing most things with one hand; and having worry fill every minute of your day.  The shift has taken some getting used to, but I don't mind!  

Maternalistic feelings are supposed to be an innate quality of most average women; I've been a 'fur-mom' to pets most of my adult life and am used to the responsibility of taking care of them, but oh my gosh, NOTHING can prepare you for THIS. I guess I really didn't think much about what being a parent was going to be like during my pregnancy.  I thought about diapers and formula, school plays, cute little outfits (read: never ending laundry!), nursery colors, but not the real nuts and bolts that really can't be described in a book or on a website.  It's a potpourri of mixed emotions and such: challenging yet rewarding; fun yet hard work; happy and sad.  The emotions have been the hardest thing to deal with.  For as much as I was excited to welcome Baby Kiera to our family, the guilt over the not-so-great emotions have been hard.

From the beginning, it was love at first site: I couldn't stop smiling the first 72 hours after having the baby.  It was once the initial euphoria wore off that it got hard- I'm hearing/ reading that this is completely normal.    We're so lucky to have a very, very good baby; but even so it has been a tiresome experience and there were quite a few times (mainly as a very frustrated mommy at 3 a.m with a fussy little girl in my lap) I was thinking, "What the heck am I doing? What did I get myself into?  How can I be thinking this after trying so many years to have a baby?"  And then Kiera looks up at me with her soulful little blue eyes and it melts my heart; and I take a deep breath and put the pacy back in her mouth (or is it mine?)!  I know that I would walk to the ends of the earth for my daughter (that's still weird to hear coming out of my mouth- I have a daughter!).  Our bond is growing stronger each day, and I relish her waking moments to see her personality beginning to form. 

She is very mellow and peaceful and generally doesn't get upset unless she hasn't hit the bottle in the last five minutes (this kid can EAT!) or is overly tired.  (That's like Mommy- I get grumpy when I am really tired or really hungry!)  She also loves, loves, loves her baths as well as the little massages and cuddles she gets at the end when she's all wrapped up in a cutesy little robe.  It also seems as if she is a sports fan: she loves to watch football and baseball- I think I heard a very faint "touchdown!" coming out of her mouth??  As long is it wasn't one of the OTHER words Daddy says when he watches sports!  Kiera also likes music, gazing at faces on the big screen TV and also loves to look at herself in her little baby mirrors.  I think that she might be a social butterfly too- recently she has taken up 'talking' to us from her bassinet- she lets out a little cry that sounds like she's saying, "Heeeey!"  It's super cute!  My only concern is that she is a 'morning person,' while I am not- that means that Daddy is going to get the morning shifts... but I do make my best effort to be "there" and in the moment for her if she wants to play!

It took a few weeks for it to click that it's an honor and privelidge to care for this little one-  this emotion and bond did NOT come instantly- amazingly enough this revelation came at one of the 3 a.m. feedings!  I wasn't comfortable at first, (I still feel like I am going to break or drop her!) but I'm finally settling into motherhood (it's helped that the hormones have settled down as well!) and with Jason, our little family is adjusting very well. I'm still dealing with some postpartum "baby blues" that range on the scale every day (if I get out of the house, I definately feel better) along with trying not to feel like I have to accomplish 30 chores everyday, and wanting to feel like I need to go to work to contribute to our household.  (I give you stay-at-home Moms props- this is a HARD job!)  I know that I will look back on this time in a few years (probably months) and wish that I would have relished them more.  For right now, I am just need to accept that I won't get downstairs to eat breakfast by noon (unless Jasons' home!) and that it's okay to have feelings all across the board.. good and bad.  I'm going to my first post-partum support group tomorrow, and I've recently met some people from local Mommy's groups that I will be joining, time permitting!  My main goal is to get through each day with a blissful baby that knows that she is loved down to her teeny tiny toes and of course to at least have taken a shower by noon!

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