Some Days I Dislike Being a Woman.....

...that would be about 10-12 days out of the month..... yep, almost 1/3 of the month I hate Mother Nature. For those same reasons I am blessed with a wonderful little girl (who I hope never has to suffer through PMS symptoms like I had as a teenager, nor those that are even more random now.)
     So if you haven't caught on yet, this post is going to be about my period. Probably falls under the TMI category, but since most of my faithful readers are women who might be able to relate or commiserate, I am simply whining venting.
     I remember hearing at some point during my pregnancy that my monthly cycle was going to get easier after I had a baby- lucky for them I don't remember who the source of this large red lie came from otherwise I might have to hunt them down and whack them with a tampon (unused) because the were oh so wrong. It has not been easier- quite the opposite- and also unpredictable and unbearable. I was 'normal' perhaps for a month or two post-baby and since then I've had the joy of experiencing crazy ass symptoms ranging from sometimes bi-monthly cycles to debilitating headaches, fatigue, mood swings and more. Sounds a bit like pregnancy symptoms, right? Not. Just the 'luck' of the draw I guess. And I might be going out on a limb here, but I think that it all boils down to the main reason that we had fertility issues in the first place- my progesterone. I've talked to my OB/GYN and he says that losing weight and being on birth control will help and suggested an IUD. I clearly hear what you're saying Mr. Man but you don't understand.... when you have boobs and these hips, I'll feel like you're understanding me. (Yes, I know, for the love of lattes, just change doctors... I really like Dr. V.... um, never noticed that correlation, ha ha....  I'm a bit on the sheepish side when it comes to speculum and paper gowns that trying out a new doc makes me cringe)
     I read up on the IUD and even with a copper one, I think it will still whack my system out- and have you read all those side effects? I don't need anymore help retaining/ gaining weight or with my mood swings.... and the pill, well, finding one with a dose that doesn't make me look or eat like a stoned teenager or act like a psycho bitch would be good--- it's riding out the experimental period (no pun intended) that is difficult. 
     This last cycle was about the last straw- I was so incredibly emotional with a short (is there a word that describes shorter than short) fuse that it pushed me over the edge.  Combine that with a precocious little toddler who didn't nap for two days and you can cue up the soundtrack from Psycho.... seriously, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and give myself a timeout- with a king size package of Reese's and a bottle glass of wine. At 11:30 a.m.  (just kidding, the wine was an afterthought- I will be sure to put it in the emergency stash for next month) It was unreal and unfair. I have a great little girl, my uterus has served it's purpose and it can go away now.
      And today my nose looks like Rudolph.... really? Hi, I'm fifteen. Cool, just one more little symptom that I can throw into my iPeriod app.  Yep, there's an app for that- why not? 
So I'm game for some supplements or vitamins to help, but not anymore hormone based anything--- my family will probably start locking me in the garage for five days out of the month pretty soon. At least there's a fridge and wine in there....  

Words of Wisdom

As a dear friend awaits the impending arrival of her twins any. day. now.... (she's made it longer than I did- Kiera made a surprise arrival at 37w and she's now at 39w3d- with twins!), we had a nice conversation that included my unbiased advice to a new mom- what words of wisdom did I NOT take to heart and wish that I would have oh, say, 15 months ago?  Well, where to start? First of all- cherish every single day even those when you are elbow deep in poo, haven't had time to shower at 3:45 p.m. and even your fourth shirt was now thrown up on.....  the both of us went through fertility to start our family, we knew what we were getting in to, but there are just 'those' days that you're not quite sure.... and they start once they tell you it's too late for an epidural!  Nothing will ever go quite as planned once you throw a little one into the mix- for planners (yes, that's you KL!) it may be enough to drive you stark raving mad, but that is exactly what you will remember most.  That night that there was nothing that made the baby happy and you had to crawl around on the floor to try to entertain them, digging out all of your safest kitchen utensils for them to use as drum sticks or chew toys.  Oh, wait- that was LAST night!

My first piece of advice is to let people help and tell them what you NEED.  The novelty of a 'new' baby (or babIES) wears off and the offers of help soon will as well.  I wish that I would have gotten just a few more days-hours, of sleep when my mom was staying with us for the few weeks after Kiera arrived.  I was worried that I would miss out on valuable bonding time, but instead, I could have gotten some much needed (and forever fleeting) rest to recover from pregnancy and delivery.   I wanted to prove to her that I would be a good mom right off the bat- rendering her feeling nearly useless and me very tired.  My stubbornness might have been part of what led to my post-partum depression and essentially was counterproductive to the bonding.  A tired, emotional and confused mommy has a hard time bonding with a stuffed animal let alone a new little baby.  So, we all know that you will be a good mom- but give your self a chance to rest- really rest because you have to save up that energy for the next 18-or-so years.....  and if your friends and family really want to help, tell them what you really want- like just an hour to take a hot bath, the floors swept and mopped or bring in a few groceries. 

Next, take lots of pictures- you will be amazed at when you look back- even after just a few months- how much they change and grow.  Jason always teases me about being a 'mamarazzi' but I'm so glad that we have all of these wonderful moments captured on film (and now video).

Also, live in the moment- don't worry about milestones- every baby will progress on their own timeline (if the pregnancy and delivery isn't any clue...) and try not to "can't wait" every one of those milestones away because some day you will look back and long for those days when you could set them on their blanket on the floor and still be there after your quick potty break instead of half-way up the stairs.  Be there for your children.  The laundry and dishes can wait until 2017- you think that you should be getting them done, but trust me, a quick little dance or game of tag is much more important.  It will be hard to fully accept this piece of advice, see above and make sure you have the camera ready....

And speaking of you- take good care of yourself.  The mom (not sayin' that the daddy isn't important) is the hub and needs to think about herself first and foremost to be the very best Mommy possible.  Mentally and physically.  Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever done.  There is no "time off" (even if you take words of wisdom #1), "sick time" or otherwise, however, there is downtime and take advantage of it- to TAKE A NAP! Make sure that there is something that you enjoy on what little "break" time you get.  A clear head makes for more enjoyable parenting.  For sure.  And this goes back to asking- no one can read your mind- let us know how we can help.  It really does take a village.

And those little "ugh" moments- they're far and few between and the first time you see a real smile or hear "mama" makes it so worthwhile.  All that lost sleep; 3:54 minutes of labor; post partum depression; poop patrol- it's also job security and the most priceless form of payment ever.   Enjoy being a mom...........

Dear Blog: There's a Reason You've Been Neglected

II haven't blogged for awhile; I haven't really had the inspiration, or the time. Life with a newborn is infinitely more time consuming- sometimes hard too- than I had ever imagined. I guess I really didn't think about it- it took some energy just to get through the pregnancy- I shuddered to think about how BabyW was actually going to come out or what to do after. So, here I am seven weeks past the birth day, and seven weeks un-pregnant. Your body just doesn't instantly "snap" back to normal. (Speaking of snap: bless my 19-y/o sisters' heart, she thought the vajay-jay just instantly snapped back to it's former size, er, shape.) The road to recovery has been a little bumpy- both physically and mentally. Personally, it *bleepin'* sucked; and I'm a bit p.o.'ed that no one every told me that the recovery was awful.... their stories stopped at labor and delivery. Albeit, every Mommy has a completely different experience (and I often stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, "la la la la" when they did try to tell me a birthing story)- mine was uncomplicated and pretty normal. And that is where uncomplicated ended.....


For the past few weeks, I haven't been my usual self... although that was suspect ever since we saw two pink lines.... hormones much? Prior to conceiving, I was pretty mellow and low-key; a social butterfly to say the least. I'd heard of the "baby blues" and wasn't surprised of my crying jags for the first few days thanks to raging preggo hormones. Problems sleeping (go figure- a newborn) and fatigue and minor anxiety are also pretty normal for as much as two weeks. Unfortunately, here it is over seven weeks later, and I am still having the same symptoms in addition to changes in appetite, no desire to participate in favorite activities (including Law & Order reruns or my beloved blog!) uncontrollable crying jags, overwhelming anxiety and feelings of inadequacy as a mother. I am part of the 25% of new moms that suffer from Postpartum Depression (PPD). And being so uncomfortable in my skin, and seeing Jason's concern, I decided to seek help. With that said, it's unfortunate that I am just a minority of those that have chosen to seek help for this (my counselor says that the rate of PPD is much higher, just differs in severity and cases reported). Mind you looking in the mirror and admitting that something was wrong has been very difficult- I've always been the strong one, the friend that people lean on during crises, and used to seeing the glass as half full. PPD has completely changed that and makes you feel like you are walking through life in a thick fog. But, I wanted to change that and to be able to really start enjoying my precious new daughter and what's left of my maternity leave.

I don't know if it started with the unexpectedly early, well, earlier than I thought (I always figured that she would arrive early, but not after only one day of maternity leave!) delivery; a labor that was uncharacteristically NOT like the one I had imagined; guilt over dismissing my poor mom from the hospital (we're past this...) or raging hormones; but I've felt off kilter since little Kiera arrived. And in all honesty: although I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, I did not love what I'd experienced so far of motherhood. And then I was feeling guilty for NOT loving motherhood; we've been trying for years for little Kiera and here she is..... what is wrong with me. I wanted to go back to work after week four because it was familiar and seemed much easier than my 'mom' job. I remember sitting in the bathroom (when Kiera is a bit fussy she calms down listening to the running water) with a crying baby in my lap, crying myself and thinking, "What am I doing? What did I get myself into?" And then I felt guilty. What the hell? Within the last year, six of my friends have had babies and they were great moms; they didn't have Postpartum Depression... why me? Why after sailing through 37 weeks, this? (The pregnancy or delivery isn't any indication of if someone is going to have PPD.)

After my six-week check-up with my OB, and a timely phone call from a friend who is a nurse in women's health whom both referred me to a Postpartum Support Group run by my health plan. It was comforting to listen to other women who were feeling very similar to me, including three moms' who had additional children. I didn't feel so alone or ashamed of my feelings and has also helped me to feel a bit more normal (I also shared my feelings with one of my friends and she admitted to having some PPD issues and not taking to motherhood instantly- but now she loves it and her beautiful daughter doesn't know any differently!)

I was prescribed Zoloft to begin breaking through the fog and taking the edge off of my anxiety, and my dear husband is very supportive. Whether it's just to call and say hi and tell me I'm doing a good job, or dragging me out of the house on what we call "Mommy Field Trips," to taking over when he gets home from work. Getting out is important- maybe just to Target or to get something to eat, but I'm out of the house. I'm going to be attending my first Moms' Group activity tomorrow night and am looking forward to that; having events to look forward to is an important part of the recovery process. I also look at my beautiful daughter- our little creation and miracle- and I feel better. It's not instantaneous though- I still have good days and bad days; fortunately the good have outnumbered the bad.

The other day when a Tweet (Twitter and Facebook are an endless source of entertainment for me during feedings!) led me to discover a very heart wrenching blog that made me have a revelation. In short, the family had a beautiful daughter that was born premature; fought to live and thrive and then suddenly died when she was around three. I felt so much empathy for that poor family; and appreciative that we have Kiera. I leaned over a picked up Kiera and hugged her tight and promised that I would work really hard to feel better. I'm not expecting an overnight miracle (she took nine plus months after all!) but just some progress and hopefully the bond between Kiera and I will grow even stronger!