To My Heart on your Fourth Birthday

I remember the day that I found out that we were going to have you like it was yesterday; and the day that you were born was the very best day of my life hands down. Your Daddy and I tried for nearly five years to have you- it was not an easy road to travel, but oh so worth it since you were the end result. I can’t even begin to tell you how you have changed my life and it is all for the better.  Being a Mom makes me want to be a better person and being YOUR Mom is the most fulfilling and rewarding job ever. I wake up to your precious smiling face and thank God for you. I can't ever put into words how much you mean to us.  But please know that it is A LOT when serving you your milk in your favorite princess sippy trumps pressing the brew button on the Keurig.

The past year has held quite a few challenges but so many wonderful moments and memories with you outshine the bad.  You make a great day amazing and a bad day better, especially when you wrap your little arms around my neck and tell me that you missed me.  How blessed am I?

Although a healthy growing girl, we've still had our share of doctors visits this year- I wish to not repeat them, especially not your spinal tap when you had a weird virus. Worst Mom moment so far- but you were charming and brave and only cried a bit and had the ENTIRE staff trying to hunt you down princess stickers after the procedure. You may not have any idea that you can have perfect strangers eating out of the palm of your hand, but after watching you blossom, I completely understand.  Might I add that you are an amazing dose of medicine- both Daddy and I ended up in the hospital at different times and you were the bright spot that helped us feel better.  How so much empathy can come out of a little person is beyond me.  You tell us not to be sad when you see us cry and to be brave when you think something is going to hurt us and although we know it to be, hearing your angelic little voice saying those things is simultaneously heart wrenching and comforting.  You are so amazingly smart and resilient, flexible and easy going and empathetic and a light to any darkness. 

You started PreK (and Vacation Bible School) this year and are well on your way to being Valedictorian and Homecoming Queen, I’m sure. You waltz into the place like you own it (with the tuition we pay, we should….) and I love to hear about your day when I pick you up. The things that you learn (both good and bad) are impressive. I know I am biased but how can I not be proud of you when you point out an octagon or write your name (you’re a lefty, by the way- you can thank your BopPop and Grandma Helen for that) in better handwriting than Daddy.  Your teacher’s name is Ms. Miriam and she too has fallen in love with you.  I really can’t blame her.

You will find out one day that a Mommy loves her child unconditionally but you my dear, are something special.  You almost glow.  You are amazing but not perfect, and you shouldn't be- make mistakes, its how we learn and grow- but please, please,please stay out of my nail polish; play dough goes back into the container with lids ON (ask me some day how you convinced your Grandma K to eat it like a cookie) and stickers and permanent marker is meant for paper and only paper. (Stickers have shown up mysteriously in some crazy places…. Must be the dogs)

I’m not the perfect mom but will be the BEST mom that I can be to you and help guide you in the BEST life that we can provide for you. I will make mistakes, and I will lose my patience and even growl at you when I know that I shouldn't and I will always remind you that I do love you and apologize when I am truly in the wrong. Never be afraid to say you’re sorry and really mean it.  Don’t ever be afraid to give an honest compliment (and continue to give them with reckless abandon like you already do- you probably really made the lady in the grocery store with the pretty dress’ day) and don’t be afraid to love and tell someone you love them.  Tell your best girl friends, your boyfriend (gasp, but I know its coming- you will be a heart breaker), your dog and cat and your family.  Love is free and freeing.  Love also hurts, but it teaches us to be better, stronger and to even love harder.

I hope your passion never fades. Today it is for your Princess collection (of all sizes, materials and conditions (please forgive the dogs for altering Aurora’s dress) pizza and girly-girl dresses, someday it will be shoes and purses (Your dad will roll his eyes and complain when you own 30 pairs of flip flops but it will be out of love- just trust me on this one.) But if you happen to find a zest for something that is completely off the wall- so be it- just make sure that your favorite ‘things’ are yours and not something that you are trying to do or like to impress someone. (As much as I love your Daddy, I will never be a Laker fan, but he knew that going in…. in fact we spent our first day of wedded bliss at a basketball game of both of our favorite teams…. That was over 11 years ago) Your hobbies, likes and dislikes will make you interesting and uniquely YOU.

Speaking of fervor and zest, you've been planning your birthday party since the day after you turned three- it will be your dream Ariel the Mermaid party although scaled down a bit. You get the love of entertaining from me (I’m Sorry and You’re Welcome)- just remember to always be a gracious host and take time away from making the food and cleaning up the mess to enjoy the moment with the people that are there- you never know when they won’t be.  I hope the memories of your fourth birthday will be wonderful. I’m going to fill up your playroom with balloons and decorate the house even though your party isn’t until next week (and not even here, might I add)- balloons in your room will be our birthday tradition.  I am even going to see if Avery the Elf can make a visit from the North Pole to pop in and say hello.

Thank you for making the last 1,461 days the best in my life- I look forward to experiencing the memories that Year Four has in store for us.  We love you so very much Baby Girl.  Happy Birthday.

So, I Got a New "Job"......

Today is day three of my new job. Like most employees experience at their first week of work, it’s hard to decide what to wear, it’s anxiety-ridden, stressful and I don’t really get to talk to my boss or co-workers until the end of the day. My new job, for the time being, is Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM).
      If you do the math, the time on “the job” might not be adding up; after all MiniMe is actually 3-1/2. It’s just that last Friday was the final day at a job that I’ve held for a quarter of my life. I started there just a few days after graduating from college and have worked there for the past 11 years; and now here I am. This change wasn’t a decision that I made on my own, I’ve joined the ranks of many Americans who have been downsized- my position was eliminated.
      I am terribly sad about that chapter of my life ending. When you hear people talk about loving their jobs, well, I was one of them. I mean I really, really, really LOVED my job, it was a huge part of who I was. I put every ounce of effort into it and my reward was…. Well, this and it truly is bittersweet.
Before I actually had MiniMe, we didn’t even discuss me staying home with her- I wanted to work, in fact I needed to work- not just for the money, but for the self-fulfillment and personal enrichment. I felt like a well-rounded person working AND being a mom (yet, I always tried to find better work/life balance- go figure?!!!?) We also were blessed that our arrangements for daycare were not only free, but with Anti-Latte’s mom, so Mini was in the loving care of her grandma every day. And this, is why I didn’t feel guilty for working- well, once or twice when she was sick… but how lucky were we?
      She will still spend many days at her grandma’s house for several reasons- she gets to see her cousins every other day, I still have some other commitments that will necessitate daycare as well as the fact that Grandma K is a recent widow and MiniMe is a great diversion and excellent therapy. I also don’t want to completely interrupt her schedule should I be fortunate enough to find my next wonderful job sooner rather than later. Also, we will be enrolling her into pre-school this Spring. Yeah, you’re thinking, “She’s not a real SAHM.” You’re right; I have no clue what I am. I’m stuck in emotional limbo of being completely devastated about being laid off to feeling some excitement to getting to spend more time with my family. How cool is it that for the first time since I was 12, I don’t have a work commitment? How sad is it that I don’t have a work commitment? How awesome is it that I can stay at home with my child? How freaked out am I about staying home with my child? Will I get bored? Will we all still like each other at the end of the day? (Oh, c’mon- you’ve experienced those weekends where you couldn’t wait to get back to the office!) What will I wear? No, seriously. I walked into my closet over the weekend and broke into hysterics upon seeing my work wardrobe. I think I have more pajamas than I do casual clothes (and I refuse to venture out of the house, on purpose, in my pajamas). So, I wore yoga pants, and went to the gym twice in the past two days-- this coming from someone who only set foot in the gym twice all of last year. It’s something that I CAN control at this point so I’m relishing it.
      The loss of a job feels like a death- and I’ve gone through most of the stages of grieving over it, not in order and I'm sure I'm not done with it. It is extremely personal. A part of me is gone now and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve started with a very lofty to-do list- things that I’ve always wanted to get ‘around to,’ organizing the CD collection (seriously- I want them all on iTunes so I can pitch the clutter), watching 68 64 episodes of “The Closer” on my DVR; you know, really important things.
        I’ve done most of the work to get ahead of this- my resume is so polished (so explain, why isn’t anyone calling!?) as is my LinkedIn profile, I’ve already applied for unemployment insurance (this will be interesting!) and I’m starting to network. I very much want to take my wonderful husband’s advice and try to enjoy this time, it’s just weird. Not having to go in to an office on any given week day. That’s one thing on my list though- organizing my office- creating an organized nice one to ‘commute’ to when I’m job hunting or working on my direct sales business (who knows! That’s a great focus point too- did you know that there are many women in this country who make six figures work in direct sales?- watch me!) There will be good days- those packed with enough errands and appointments to keep me busy; and then those days where the thought of my ‘former’ life will bring me to instant tears. Many benefits of being out of work- less money for gas or lunches on the go, dealing with commuter traffic, dry cleaning bills, great coffee from my Keurig; and then the downfall- my boss is super demanding- but when she throws those grubby little hands around my neck and says, “I love you Mommy!” it brings me back to reality and I take a deep breath and think that this might be the best job ever.

Happy 3rd Birthday MiniLatte!!!!

My Dear Daughter;

This past weekend we were surrounded by your family and friends that love you to help celebrate the beginning of your third year of life. I was honored by their presence and am always in awe of the amount of people whose lives you have touched at such a young age.

Our family has been going through so much this year with serious health issues, loved ones passing- including the four-legged type, general stress and just life. Yet the one bright spot in all of this is YOU. How can a little one such as you make such an impression? With infectious giggles, a 10,000 mega watt smile, kind words and a hug- that’s how. I’d love to be able to take 100% credit for this but half of that also goes to your Daddy and then we also have to share some of that with the rest of the village that helps to raise you.  But you ultimately are the one who processes what we share with you and then constantly amaze us with your humor, wit and intelligence.  I know that you are thinking that’s what all parents have to say about their kids, but I have to disagree. You really are the best daughter anyone could ever hope for- and you are only THREE. I cannot wait to see what you do with the rest of your life with all of that charm! (that, you get from ME!)

To say that all of us rely on you for our happiness means that you have a mighty big job- one that you are completely oblivious to, yet you perform it so well.  Before you came earth side, I had no idea what being a mom was going to be like. I thought mostly about sleepless nights, diaper duty, cleaning up puke from my work clothes, and trying not to get a headache when you cried incessantly. And that was after the labor and delivery that I was PETRIFIED of.  Wow, could I have been more wrong.  What I didn’t realize was the immense amount of love that I would have for you the second that you were born (I won’t even hold it against you that I didn’t have time for an epidural) and that I would stand in front of a train for you.

 I think that I’ve had more sleepless nights in college and now, but not because of you, just because of life and trying to balance everything.  Diaper duty ended a few months ago- but I have to admit that your Daddy changed way more Huggies than I did however, I don’t miss those days.  (Well, just a little when I had time to gaze into your beautiful copper eyes and tickle your little feet…. Changing time was really a bonding time.  You weren’t a squirmy girl. And in fact, you were very easy going about the state of your diaper.) You didn’t really spit up on my clothes- you were a clean girl; however, I can do without your very trigger-happy gag reflex; I have cleaned up my fair share of toddler ‘spit out’ (as you call it) rather than baby regurg. And you aren’t a crier, never was. Such an easy going, sweet girl. Thank you for giving me a swift kick in the ass and changing my perception of motherhood.  (Your Grandma Linda was right that God wasn’t going to give me more than I can handle…. Well, with you, yes; with all the other shit, not so much!)  Even with labor- it was over so quick…. But, my dear, it isn’t true what they say, I haven’t forgotten the pain of the delivery- that’s another story. But you were worth every single little 45 second increment; and worth the four-year plus wait that it took to have you.

I can write forever and rave about your sweet personality and marvel at the stuff that comes out of your mouth.  It’s totally adorable (that might change in 13 years, but I’ll always have this to look back upon) and entertaining.  I’m not sure how you got to be so smart- you keep us on our toes, but your comprehension also makes our life easier.  On that note, don’t ever be afraid to be an intelligent woman.  Your beauty will get you noticed but your intelligence will help you accomplish whatever you want. Don’t be afraid to be successful.  Today you’re tackling 100-piece Princess puzzles and learning how to count in Spanish; tomorrow it will be quadratic equations and SAT vocabulary.  (Do they still give you 200 points for spelling your name correctly?)

You also love people. People love you.  From Nick at your swim school; your little friends;  to the grocery store clerks, you will dazzle them with your sqwunchy smile. These people right now are nice; not everyone is.  We will teach you how to differentiate between good, honest people and to listen to your intuition if you think someone is icky. I wish that I could shield you from the crap, but I won’t always be able to completely (but not from lack of trying!) but we will teach you how to overcome obstacles and adversity with grace and confidence and how to have a support team around to help you as life won’t always be easy.

Trust me, these past six months- outside of this house- have been hell on earth. Emotionally I am done, but I see you and I am reenergized. You give me hope on what the future holds for us. I love watching you experience things for the first time- a carousel ride, trick-or-treating, fireworks, the petting zoo, a piñata, new food- it’s really cool.  And then you also have gotten to see sadness when your Grandpa Jerry died and Grandma Helen was very, very sick. Everybody cried…. You gave us hugs and kisses and asked us if we felt better.  I’m glad we have been honest about our feelings and shared with you that it’s a part of life and doesn’t have anything to do with you.  You have become so empathetic and caring.  Perhaps not ideal to have to share this much sorrow with a toddler, but it’s real life.  I think it helps you to see that sadness doesn’t last forever and it’s okay to smile behind the tears. Thank you for being our little ball of therapy!

See, I could go on and on about all of the reasons why I love you so much. There are 400 million of them, if not more.  I promise you that will never change- except to grow exponentially more. All I ask is that you be true to yourself, that you are kind and honest, you use your manners and help those less fortunate than you. Daddy and I will in turn protect you as best as we can, provide for you opportunities for you to grow and love you unconditionally.  You may not always ‘like’ us, but know that we will always have your back. (When you don’t like us, it’s time to call in the grandparents….)

I want to close out by simply thanking you for making me a better person.  I feel more, love more, hope more and smile more because of you. 

With All My Love,

Mommy

 

A Message from a Funeral:

I went to a funeral yesterday. I’d only met her twice- briefly- but she is the mom of a work colleague that I very much admire. She was 84-years young, and did have some health issues, but you never want to see someone in your life lose a loved one, or even lose a loved one yourself. This was my third funeral since February.  Two for people I didn’t actually know, and one for my father-in-law. The one similarity of all of them is that they were loved greatly by many people.

My father-in-law, JerrellRay passed away on April 28^th after a very brief, yet shitty fight with lung cancer. Well, all cancer is shitty, but when it takes you away from your family only 13 days after diagnoses, it’s really, really shitty. He was a smoker. He probably had cancer for awhile. We’re glad that the cancer was not diagnosed any earlier so that the last years of his life were lived exactly as he wanted and not being even more ill from chemo and medications. He was a daily part of MiniLatte’s life and she asks about him often even though she knows Grandpa Jerry is in heaven watching over us.  Jerry’s death actually seemed to bring more life to the family- we fostered relationships with his four daughters over the weeks of his memorial and inurnment and mended a relationship that shouldn’t have needed it as well.

This whole thing happened in the middle of my mom’s hospitalization, post-surgery for me and the day before my birthday. I’ll have more birthdays….. the stress hastened my healing and my village has helped in taking care of mom and in turn, me. People that love me, MiniLatte and AntiLatte. I couldn’t have done it without them.  That’s one of the reasons why I went to funerals of people that I really didn’t know…. your actions speak so loudly during difficult times and that goes both ways.  There were people that I thought would be there for us that weren’t and then those, that anticipated our needs and took care of us.

Funerals also make you appreciate what you have. I came home and hugged my little girl a bit tighter, told my love 143, and gave my mom a kiss and told her that I love her and am so thankful and happy that she is such a fighter.  A detour to see my failing 93 year-old grandfather and my wonderful dad made for a long day, but an important part of it nonetheless. I’ve made a promise to myself that I would make sure to tell those that I love exactly that more often. There are many, so it will take awhile, but it will be worth it. I don’t want to have any “I wish I would have told them” anymore…..

The Avalanche Continues....

(I'd prefer to title this My Life is a Shitstorm, but to avoid being moderated I decided to use some filter)
There are not enough martinis or lattes to help me through the hardships that has fallen upon my family.   
      Trust me, I'm not a 'woes me' kind of girl and am one to tend to see the glass as half full but there's just a point in your life where you have to say ENOUGH. I'm waving the red flag now, unfortunately, my surrender will have to wait a bit longer.
     My mom has been hospitalized with a long-term illness since March 7th- nearly two months of daily hospital visits and holding my breath whenever the phone rings. For the most part the journey has been emotionally taxing, not to mention one that took a toll on my job, my home-based business, my husband, my daughter, my friendships and even my health.  It's been a roller-coaster ride that I would very much NOT like to repeat in this lifetime; unfortunately it's getting worse. 
      I underwent my very first invasive surgery last week (the same day mom had a tracheotomy!)- had to have a cholecystectomy- a fancy medical term for gall bladder removal. Okay, so I wasn't even quite sure what a gall bladder did until it kicked me in the ass, er, rib cage a few weeks ago.  I was leaving the hospital after visiting with Mom and had the inclination to walk myself into the ER on my way to the parking lot, but that hospital wasn't my provider. After agonizing at home for a few hours, and a call to the advice nurse, we dropped Mini off at the grandparents and went to the ER.  The nurse called it on the spot- I guess fluffy (not so much anymore) white females of childbearing age present for gall bladder disease quite commonly. I thought I was going to give birth again. Quite painful. After a five hour stint, I was released with pain meds and a follow-up appointment for an ultrasound. The ultrasound did in fact determine that I had gall stones and would need a surgical follow-up. Fortunately, I wasn't harboring an infection and didn't need emergency surgery, but would have to watch my diet.
      This is something that is normally caused by a fat-laden diet, which mine is not. I am not a fast-food junkie- my idea of fast food is in fact Subway.... well there is that pregnancy craving of an occasional crumb cake donut- so what if I've had 32 months to do so.  I suspect that it was a rapid weight loss with the stress of my Mom's medical situation that caused my gall bladder to produce enough stones to fill up more than half of its capacity. Meanwhile, I've been off of my feet to recover and Anti-latte had to fill in my spot to go visit my mom, and his step-dad and take care of Mini and take care of me. I swear that I was as low maintenance as possible. Even after the second 11-hour ER visit (long story- I'm fine, but a bit pissed at said hospital's lack of ultrasound techs during the night shift). I'm recovering although a bit slower than I had hoped- I suspect an inordinate amount of stress has been a factor.  What's more stressful than a loved one being hospitalized and undergoing the knife yourself? Oh just a the fact that I hate CANCER.
    My father-in-law has been battling a very nasty bout of pneumonia, well, since my mom was hospitalized, actually, and an infection on top of that. He visited my mom at the hospital when she was on her deathbed and it prompted him to quit smoking cold turkey. Between being ill and the smoking cessation patch, he has been really miserable and after several weeks and numerous doctors appointments, he has been diagnosed with lung cancer.  After his initial diagnosis he had to wait for almost two weeks to meet with an oncologist to find out that it was Stage 4, and that is had spread to his liver, lymph nodes and more. As I write, Anti-latte and his mom and other family members are awaiting a visit from the hospital chaplain to discuss the plan to discharge his to hospice to live out his final days. We thought it would be months, but there's a chance that it could be just hours..... so fast. It was like he was playing with Mini one day and unable to walk the next. Now he is suffering and everyone sits by to support him.  It's torturous. I love this man and know how the family feels- the waiting and pleading is all too fresh in my memory from seven weeks ago. Now we just hope that with enough medical intervention, they can keep him comfortable. We'll surround him with all the love that he needs while we await him earning his wings.  I know that Mini will miss him dearly and we'll ensure that she won't forget the man who claims that she has his eyes.... (um, no, but it was always a source of laughs at family get togethers.)
     This presents an additional problem with child care as they were my main providers- we can wing it for the next week while I'm on medical leave and then have to figure out what to do next. Mini's grandmas' #1 priority should be caring for her husband... I think I have it figured out, but it's yet another stressor to deal with.
     And if that isn't quite enough to make anyone crazy, there's more.  We've had two other family members who had to make ER visits within the last 12 hours; and my mom was moved to another care facility that is a 40-minute drive away. It's a step-down rehab unit to prepare her for surgery, still a hospital, but the drive is going to be so very inconvenient. I used to work out that way and don't look forward to the daily commute, but we do what we have to do. It's just another wrinkle.... as usual, I'll iron it out..... your good vibes and prayers are much appreciated.
    

Day 37

A glimpse of 'before' Mom today. Before the heart 'incident' that has so turned my world upside down. She was sitting up in a chair when I walked into the room this afternoon and gave me a big smile when she saw the vase of one dozen pink roses that I brought for her; she can have flowers now that she has been transferred to a Progressive Care Unit instead of the ICU. "Oh, babe, they're beautiful...." she whispers and then her head drops down to her chest.  Speaking four words takes an unimaginable amount of energy for someone who's been hospitalized for so long.
    Forming each word, let alone a sentence is something that you or I may take for granted; even the simple act of sitting upright in a chair or brushing your teeth may seem so mundane.  For Mom, they're tasks that must be thought out and deplete all of the energy from an already-taxed body. She has not suffered any neurological damage during her hospitalization, however the large amounts of sedation has made talking quite the chore. Walking is another story- she has lost most of her muscle tone and cannot support herself in an upright position sitting.  Yes, she was sitting in a chair today, however she was secured to the chair with a Posey belt with an attendant not too far away. The 90-minutes of sitting left her spent- which is actually a good thing as she might get some much needed rest and will not suffer from anxiety the rest of the day.
    We found out yesterday that she is weeks away from the heart surgery that she needs to replace the valves. She won't survive it in her current condition- it is a surgery that a somewhat healthy person will have problems recovering from so that option is completely off of the table. The surgeons are going to reevaluate her each week; the nurses and support team will be providing her with aggressive therapy to help get her on the road to recovery much faster.  "If it were my mom, I wouldn't do it," states the surgeon. I understand that and appreciate that- I just wanted the doctors to be straight with me. Her primary pulmonologist and cardiologist weren't telling me part of the story- for each internal organ that is not working correctly, it lessens recovery by 25%. With low functioning lungs, hear and liver, there's only a 25% chance of recovery at this point- wait it out and odds will improve. 
    Fine, we'll wait this out day by day. In the meantime, try to provide her with the moral and emotional support that she needs to cope with her new 'living arrangements' (at least it's a private room!) and be her advocate.  I'm so thankful that an acquaintance is actually an RN in that unit and has called dibs on my Mom whenever she is on shift.  She's a great nurse and takes extra special care of mom and goes the extra mile for us.  Another little blessing in this adventure- I'll take each one that we find!  Especially because things are so difficult.... trying to return to some sense of normal at home outside of the hospital. We'll see- it will have to be after my own surgery (yeah, really- I have to have my gall bladder removed- nice timing, eh?) next week. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention this is on top of the news that a very close family member has been diagnosed with lung cancer (nameless right now as most of the family doesn't yet know); and my 93 year-old paternal grandfather is currently in hospice care with bladder cancer.  This year has been a dozy--- that's why we are just surviving life one day at a time right now.  We're not the first, nor will be the last, family to overcome adversity but sometimes it's a lonely journey......

Day 24

     It’s been 24 days. A very, very long month. I’m still having the hardest time processing that my Mom is in the hospital- and then it hits me. I’m driving to pick up my daughter and tell the hands-free to “Call Mom,” and then hit the cancel button on the steering wheel just as quickly. It’s habit; I ALWAYS call my mom on my way home so we can share a few laughs, especially if they are over something silly that MiniLatte did last night; or vent about something going on elsewhere in my life. She can’t answer right now, she’s laying in an uncomfortable hospital bed in the ICU surrounded by wires, tubes and cords; a ventilator is helping her breathe; between three to six drugs are stabilizing her heart rate, blood pressure, pain, etc. The staff at the hospital really is amazing- they are doing everything within their power to provide support and comfort until surgery. And I mean everything- she is helpless. But I’m tired of seeing them almost more than I see my husband and daughter.
         Her heart is in really rough shape and isn’t going to get any better without open heart surgery to replace at least one valve. Unfortunately because she keeps running a fever; some days high, some days; low grade, the surgeons won’t even touch her. She has to be fever-free for a minimum of five consecutive days. Five very long days. Days in which other complications could crop up- pneumonia, MRSA, another infection and prolong yet again the procedure that she needs to recover. It’s driving me nuts.  However, this week my condition has been upgraded from survival-mode- just doing whatever the bare minimum is to get through the day- to functioning.
          I put on make-up again on Wednesday; even cooked dinner and worked a few days this week (I’ve been off of work since she was admitted to the ICU). I’ve not been much of a partner to my husband; he’s holding it together for me but it’s starting to take a toll on him as well. I have tried to focus some energy into being a Mom- my daughter adds pure joy to the end of a long and draining day. When I’m spent, she throws her little arms around my legs and says, “I miss you Mommy. You not sad anymore.” It breaks my heart with both happiness and sadness. I’m trying not to let my sorrow and stress affect her. She knows that Mommy’s Mommy is sick and in the hospital trying to get better but wants to kiss her boo boo. I tell her that I am sad because of that but she makes me happy. She’s wise beyond her 32 short months and has more empathy than I can believe.
         My step-dad today told me that he was worried about me. I am too. I worry that I won’t have the strength to get through another day of waiting. I want to take care of myself- my appetite has resumed within the past week- that might be curbed by the Zoloft though- it makes me nauseous. Yep, Zoloft.  I’m seeking a little help from my prescription-strength friends; Atavan, Zoloft and Trazodone. They were probably necessary before this extraordinarily stressful event, but even more so now that my anxiety and insomnia are through the roof. Are they working? Well, I’m resting a bit better. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in about a week; not sure if it’s because Mom is stable, or I am. The Trazodone makes me sleepy, but I still wake up at 4 a.m..  (BTW, have you ever read the entire warning label on a prescription? I think my before symptoms might have been more manageable than the side effects- crazy!) Sometimes in the morning, I remember the dreams I’m having about her; they’re realistic and make me sad. And then my sweet little girl rolls over and says, “Hi Mama,” and I feel a little better but I hope she won’t have to go through this some day.

A Really Bad Dream

My Mom almost died two weeks ago. Seriously. And I've been living one of my worst nightmares since. A roller coaster ride that I'm happy to disembark from any day now....
      My mom came up to visit to help take care of my MiniLatte while her other Grandma goes on vacation. We had planned on her 'babysitting' for three of the five weekdays, being off on the Monday so she could recoup from the drive- trust me, it's a drive, and I knew Mini would put her through the ringer- in a good way of course. They had a fabulous time together, but Mom was exhausted; okay, so, I get that--- LOL.  Mom just wasn't quite herself. By Friday, she thought that the 'bug' that she was fighting had finally got the best of her and she was down for the count for four days. (Although, we did manage to fit a mani/pedi into the weekend) By Monday, I was really worried that this wasn't the average bug and told her that she was going to the clinic- even if it was kicking and screaming- tomorrow. And the clinic is where this horribly stressful past few weeks started to go downhill.....
    The cute little nurse took her history, listened to her lungs, etc and called in the doctor.... the doctor listens to her chest for two seconds and orders an EKG; once he read the results, he quickly moved us into the trauma room and called 911 to get her to the ER. Whaaaaat???  We just stared at each other trying to process what was going on; each one of us putting up a brave front.
She was loaded up into the ambulance to a local ER (I being local, went to the wrong one) and was eventually diagnosed with something called A-fib. Her resting heart rate was 177 BPM (normal range for her age is 90-123) in addition to a really high blood pressure. The hospital was having a difficult time trying to stabilize her so they admitted her for observation.
  The next day, Wednesday, we went to visit her in the hospital and she was stable yet uncomfortable and begging to go home. Some time during the middle of the night she became very agitated, her blood pressure dropped, heart rate went right back up, so they gave her a CT scan for a further work-up. The contrast dye caused her system to crash; her kidneys, liver and spleen all lost function; additionally tests determined that her mitral valve and tricuspud valve were in need of repair. By Friday afternoon, she was on life support in the Cardiac ICU and her condition was incredibly grave. The cardiologist told us that the next 48 hours were going to be tough.
   I was shocked and devastated; what the hell was happening? This was so sudden. It broke my heart to realize that I might lose my mom; it also pissed me off to no end because I thought the valve issue was something that might have been detected earlier if she would have had health insurance. I've not had the misfortune of losing someone close to me in my adult life and I wasn't prepared for that journey. I cannot even put into words my emotions. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or so long in my entire life.  Or prayed and hoped so hard or long either.
   Answering our prayers, on Sunday her kidneys were beginning to function again therefore narrowly avoiding dialysis. Liver and spleen started to function as well. Her body was healing well and by Tuesday (a week since arriving at the hospital), her breathing and feeding tubes were out and Mom was making us so proud and happy. And then she developed pneumonia.
   By Saturday, she was intubated again due to the pneumonia; pulmonary edema and some recurrence of the A-fib. That was actually a blessing as they were able to finally perform a cardiac catheterization to see how badly her heart was damaged; we had to wait for her kidneys to function fully for the test to ensure she would crash again. The good news is that the cardiologists determined that she wouldn't need any bypass surgery, just the aforementioned valve replacement/ repair.
  On Monday, she had developed a severe blood infection and her condition was once again critical.  On Thursday, we received word that tests came back positive for H1N1. She did have a 'bug' after all, which might have been what triggered the A-fib.  She also received a dose of a very powerful antibiotic called Vancomycin which caused an allergic reaction resulting in a head to toe rash. She was intubated for the third time this past Saturday; the bad valve is causing pulmonary edema. The only thing that will help this is to have open heart surgery.
   As if that isn't some scary shit right there. I can't even imagine how she is feeling about that. I'm petrified; but I have faith that she will feel like a new woman when she recovers, whenever that may be. Today was the first day that I didn't leave the hospital with a huge knot in my stomach wondering what the night would hold for her. Tomorrow marks three weeks that she has been in the hospital; I've been at her bedside every day to will her to get better; to watch over her. My wonderful husband has been my rock; comforting me and drying my tears and picking up the slack around the house and with MiniLatte.  So has my Dad, Step-mom and in-laws. So many wonderful people have offered help, but I'm not sure what help to take them up on.  We missed our wedding anniversary; we'll celebrate when we feel that there is much more to toast-  I'm looking forward to celebrating with both her and my love; Mom was my Maid of Honor on that day 10 years ago.
  

Just One

Uno.
Solo.
Only.
Sole.
Lone.
One. Child.
Yes, only child. That's my daughter. That's also me.....

      The burning question of the year is either WHEN or ARE you having another child. I'm not planning on it. Our daughter is wonderful, sweet, beautiful, kind, gentle, adorable and perfect. Although I'm sure that efforts may be duplicated, but we I'm quite happy with our little family of three. My husband would certainly like one more. I on the other hand, don't. It's actually quite a nosy and personal question; akin to asking someone why they stopped at just two? Unlike Ruffles, I can have just one and for me there are a multitude of reasons- physical, personal and financial to name a few.
      On the phsyical side: because I don't want to go through pregnancy and labor again. Yes, my pregnancy was nearly text-book despite the fact that getting there wasn't. And labor was shorter than half of an average work day, however, I enjoyed neither. It's a complete crap shoot to say whether a second pregnancy would be the same- or worse. I'm thinking that two years later and closer to the big four-oh increases the chances of problems all around.
      I also was not comfortable with a newborn (and the newborn smell that everyone talks about is not the same one that I'm thinking of....). The comfort level obviously grew on me as I was able to do some on-the-job training but again, not wanting to pile more sleepless nights on top of the ones that we already get. (K slept so muchbetter a year ago than she does now- not quite sure why the return to 4 a.m. feedings?!)  And adding juggling the needs of a tiny newborn along with those of a very smart and active toddler in addition to a career and life just scares me. There are days that I feel stretched too thin as it is.
      I'm also not game for another two plus years of diapers. There is light at the end of this tunnel o' Huggies and I'm really looking forward to it. And speaking of Huggies- the expense of day-to-day care is something that we are really considering. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Child Rearing Calculator, and discount the cost of shelter (we've been here years prior to her!) and daycare, it costs us roughly about $15,000 a year to raise little K. That reflects 2009 numbers- I think it's safe to say it might be inflated a bit higher today in 2011, while our salaries aren't. And believe me, I try to save money in as many areas as possible where it doesn't affect health or safety! The calculator says that having a second child would double that; but even on the low side, I would guesstimate perhaps $22,500 for two children. Did I mention college? Even though hubby and I are proud owners of student loans (ha!), I do not want K to have to worry about that- we're stuffing as much 'extra' money into her college savings account (and our retirement funds as well) to plan for the future. 
     While larger families were very common to help with the division of labor years and year ago, the smaller family is becoming quite common when you consider metropolitan living and costs. Our family is normal! But I often hear the reaction that "you shouldn't do that to your child," when I answer the "Are you having another?" question. I shouldn't do what? I shouldn't provide her with as much love and devotion as possible? I shouldn't work hard to provide the best possible life for her and our family in the long run hopefully demonstrating a good life and work ethic? I get the 'sibling bond' argument, but I've seen that go either way-- while my two step-sisters are thick as theives;  a good friend is absolutely not a fan of her brother. And as far as her being lonely, between her Daddy and I and all of her family members, she is not lonely. Additionally, she knows how to independently play and is developing quite the imagination! K plays well with others and knows how to share- something that we are teaching her, not her learning from a sibling.
      If you are really curious as to why just K, I'm happy to tell you that I'd love to concentrate on creating and molding a selfless, talented, kind, gentle, creative, productive little girl; along with having a happy and relaxed Mommy and Daddy to raise her. But please don't make me have to debate with you why our choice is right for us...........

A Day Worth the Wait

Unlike most little girls my childhood wasn't spent playing with baby-dolls or planning a princess wedding. I was quite the Tom boy. I grew up an only child in a very, very small minuscule community in the Eastern Sierras ripe with lots of outdoorsy things to do. My two male cousins were my closest playmates and I could out-fish the both of them and my pet lizards were often bigger too! I ditched my first day of Kindergarten to go trout fishin' with great gran Hazel; you couldn't keep a pair of shoes on me to save my life and I even herded sheep once. It's pretty safe to say that other than dressing my faithful companion Bootsie up in a dress and wheeling him around in a stroller, I didn't particularly have a natural maternal streak.
     I'm sure that it wasn't a surprise to most of my close friends and family that I wasn't in a rush to become a mother. Someday, but it had to be with the right partner and not just for genetics sake- the PARTNER part of the equation was the kicker.
     Fast forward to my mid-20's when I began dating my husband and 'family talk.' Although he was definitely qualified as what I thought a partner would be, we agreed that a family was in our future just not the immediate one. It was important to have time just for 'us' prior to bringing a child into the relationship and enjoying life together first. And we did- and then building a family was taking more time than we had planned. I was longing to finally discover that materialistic instinct that I skipped over during childhood. I also started to resent Mother's Day (although I did try to compensate by celebrating with my beloved fur-baby and try to get away with not poop-scoopin' for the day... But those were the only presents she ever left for me! (How I miss that dog... Really. Really. Much.) The same went for Baby Showers and all things miniature. Not because I didn't want to be a mom but because getting to that point was so damn difficult.
      Friends and family were lucky to 'accidentally' get pregnant but for us it was so much planning and waiting. Pure joy when we had a positive test only to find that joy usurped by disappointment weeks later with a miscarriage- four times over. Nearly four long years later and after medical intervention and the hardest three hours and 56 minutes of my life, I was finally a Mom.
Today is my second official Mother's Day; I now get to enjoy the day with my family. I am so looking forward to celebrating all of the milestones and memories that I've been blessed with over the last 21 months. My life will undoubtedly never be the same- the dirty diapers, sleep deprivation, bottle washing, sippy cup retrieving, tear wiping and lullaby singing are all honorable tasks for my precious sweet daughter- and of course I wouldn't have it any other way. It was worth the wait......


Happy Mother's Day Fellow Mombloggers- I appreciate you reading and sticking with me!

 Love, Laughs and Caffeine,
Carol

I am so egg-cited for Easter this year! First of all, the weather here is going to be wonderful-
mid- 70's and perfect for K's pretty little dress. Second, K is finally old enough to really start understanding the holidays. And last, I'm excited to start our own family traditions..... when I was a little girl we did the egg hunts complete with the golden egg and special prize, dyed eggs, and my mom even made these beautiful sugar eggs. Some of them I want to start again (trust me, trying to convince your husband to hunt for eggs solo pre-child days is not fun....) and put our own touches on others so that they are truly ours. 

I think we might go on a wabbit hunt to get photos- maybe- when you see some of the character photos from WDW, you'll see why I'm a bit hesitant.  I know that an egg hunt is absolute- K loves those little plastic eggs- her grams has a box full at her house to play with when she is watching her. She definately knows what eggs are and will probably play along picking up at least five or six!

In budget style, I did pick her up a cute second-hand Dora basket and have some trinkets bought last year on clearance- I think I blew the budget with the "Bickey Bouse" Playhouse book though- couldn't pass it up! (Let's see how long it lasts until Mommy has had it with the Hot Diggity Dog song.....)

We have a full day of church and family outtings planned! I hope that all of my readers have a wonderful holiday and I'd love it if you'd share your holiday traditions with me too!

Friends: With Kids/ Without Kids- Random Thoughts

While driving into work this morning, I experienced one of those rare occasions where I listened to 'regular radio' as opposed to my XM (love it!) and the morning people from one of the local stations were discussing friends. Particularly having friends of the opposite familial status (childless with parental friends and vice versa) and why it is so difficult to maintain relationships and hang out with them. The discussion got me thinking- even though I turned off the station after they interrupted the debate with a stupid song by Kesha. She bugs me. But I digress....
    I started thinking about my friends that I hang out on a regular basis and came to the conclusion that I don't. Hang out that is, I have lots of friends, but for various reasons. "Hanging out" is just much harder to do when you add motherhood to the other obligations in your life.
    I have 'work' friends. I have longtime friends- near and far- that I can call on anytime day or night to vent, bitch to, complain and can count on in a pinch. And then I have friends who came into my life because I have Little Miss K. I've met them through my local consignment sales that I volunteer for- wouldn't have met them if I was kid-less; same goes with the mom's group that I used to belong to. I have a handful of friends from high school and college, some from my direct sales business and some from random places that we met and struck up a conversation.
    The point is that I shared something in common with each friend at the certain time that we met and fostered a friendship. It may or may not have been because of children, but because of school, work, a hobby or..... whatever.  There was a common denominator in the relationship.  Am I still friends with everyone that I've ever met? Not so much, but not because I have kids. They may or may not, but we've lost touch for a host of random reasons- but I can't think of one friendship that has faded because I have a child. I can however, think of the many more that I have made because of my child.
    At this point in my life I prefer to have low maintenance friends- I've always tried to avoid drama, but even more so now that I don't want to involve Little K in said drama. I also don't have time for bullshit. I also may not have time to talk to you for weeks on end, but that doesn't mean I don't adore you. I work full time, I'm a business owner, I enjoy a small number of hobbies, I'm a wife, I'm a... you get the picture? It's hard enough to find time to have dinner with my dad, get a mani/pedi or to even just sleep, so to go out clubbin' with single, childless friends is just at the bottom of my list. Not the person, but the activity. If you want to come over and have something that resembles dinner with my family, c'mon over we're happy to have you and I may even serve you an overpriced drink in the process (cover charge will be waived).
     Now will I befriend you if you are kid-less? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not judging you but I think it will just be harder for you to understand what my life is like and I, in turn, will always think- 'just wait!' If we have enough in common outside of K, we'll probably be fast friends.  I made the decision to have K, and she is my life- friends or no friends. It's a package deal now, and most activities will be centered around her unless it's a very rare Mommy night out... hopefully! Happy Friday!

Terrific Tuesday: 3/1/11 (Resolutions, Twitter and a Sister Blog)

Happy Tuesday!  Why? Because it's not Monday and we're one day closer to Friday! I do like Tuesday's for some reason: it's my grocery shopping day, and it seems to be one of the more mellow days of the week work and family-wise.
  I had a super-productive weekend and feel in control of things (a great improvement over last week!); I'm almost at 400 Twitter followers; and am just generally happy this week!
    Today is also a Resolution Day. I find that making resolutions on the 1st of every month is far more productive than keeping resolutions from January 1st, and stressing over what went wrong.  For example, I made a resolution to "lose weight" on January 1st and it was already out the window by the 5th! Instead of beating myself up over it, I found an App on my iPhone (my 'world!') that would help me track my calories and in turn help me lose weight with a SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely) goal: which is to lose 22lbs in about 15 weeks. The app is very user-friendly and has an on-line version with a community and is social as well... the social (seeing how much my 'friends' were going to the gym) is what made me finally get my butt back into the gym!  I'm actually hoping to hit that goal in about six weeks for a special occassion, but I have to step it up a bit, so I'm cutting back my calories and resolving to hit the gym (or be active) at least four times per week- which is four times more than I've been doing! So, my resolutions: 

• Continue being active 4x or more per week
• Continue with Family Green Plan   (just my little attempt to be more green-ish. We've actively done cans/bottles for the money, but now we have a big box next to the trash and all recyclables that can go curbside go in there. I'm happy to say that our trash bin went from overflowing to just half full, while the 'blue' bin is now very, very full!)
• Ramp up my direct sales business to produce $500 in income/ month
• Get home decluttered and organized

In other news- BabyK is now 18 months old!  Where has the time gone? There's so much that I've missed sharing on here but oh, the memories! It's amazing to know that she's gone from an infant to a walking running, chattering little individual in such a short time. And I love her more and more and more every minute!
   My dear friend Jenn also has her own blog now (she was one of my first, dedicated readers) and it is so quickly eclipsing mine in the amount of posting.  Additionally, her parenting style is much more natural mine (she breast feeds and cloth diapers) so if you are looking for advice on those topics, that is the place to go: check out Hybrid Rasta Mama and tell her I sent ya!
    And last but not least, a photo to show you how cold it's been- a one cat night perhaps?

Words of Wisdom

As a dear friend awaits the impending arrival of her twins any. day. now.... (she's made it longer than I did- Kiera made a surprise arrival at 37w and she's now at 39w3d- with twins!), we had a nice conversation that included my unbiased advice to a new mom- what words of wisdom did I NOT take to heart and wish that I would have oh, say, 15 months ago?  Well, where to start? First of all- cherish every single day even those when you are elbow deep in poo, haven't had time to shower at 3:45 p.m. and even your fourth shirt was now thrown up on.....  the both of us went through fertility to start our family, we knew what we were getting in to, but there are just 'those' days that you're not quite sure.... and they start once they tell you it's too late for an epidural!  Nothing will ever go quite as planned once you throw a little one into the mix- for planners (yes, that's you KL!) it may be enough to drive you stark raving mad, but that is exactly what you will remember most.  That night that there was nothing that made the baby happy and you had to crawl around on the floor to try to entertain them, digging out all of your safest kitchen utensils for them to use as drum sticks or chew toys.  Oh, wait- that was LAST night!

My first piece of advice is to let people help and tell them what you NEED.  The novelty of a 'new' baby (or babIES) wears off and the offers of help soon will as well.  I wish that I would have gotten just a few more days-hours, of sleep when my mom was staying with us for the few weeks after Kiera arrived.  I was worried that I would miss out on valuable bonding time, but instead, I could have gotten some much needed (and forever fleeting) rest to recover from pregnancy and delivery.   I wanted to prove to her that I would be a good mom right off the bat- rendering her feeling nearly useless and me very tired.  My stubbornness might have been part of what led to my post-partum depression and essentially was counterproductive to the bonding.  A tired, emotional and confused mommy has a hard time bonding with a stuffed animal let alone a new little baby.  So, we all know that you will be a good mom- but give your self a chance to rest- really rest because you have to save up that energy for the next 18-or-so years.....  and if your friends and family really want to help, tell them what you really want- like just an hour to take a hot bath, the floors swept and mopped or bring in a few groceries. 

Next, take lots of pictures- you will be amazed at when you look back- even after just a few months- how much they change and grow.  Jason always teases me about being a 'mamarazzi' but I'm so glad that we have all of these wonderful moments captured on film (and now video).

Also, live in the moment- don't worry about milestones- every baby will progress on their own timeline (if the pregnancy and delivery isn't any clue...) and try not to "can't wait" every one of those milestones away because some day you will look back and long for those days when you could set them on their blanket on the floor and still be there after your quick potty break instead of half-way up the stairs.  Be there for your children.  The laundry and dishes can wait until 2017- you think that you should be getting them done, but trust me, a quick little dance or game of tag is much more important.  It will be hard to fully accept this piece of advice, see above and make sure you have the camera ready....

And speaking of you- take good care of yourself.  The mom (not sayin' that the daddy isn't important) is the hub and needs to think about herself first and foremost to be the very best Mommy possible.  Mentally and physically.  Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever done.  There is no "time off" (even if you take words of wisdom #1), "sick time" or otherwise, however, there is downtime and take advantage of it- to TAKE A NAP! Make sure that there is something that you enjoy on what little "break" time you get.  A clear head makes for more enjoyable parenting.  For sure.  And this goes back to asking- no one can read your mind- let us know how we can help.  It really does take a village.

And those little "ugh" moments- they're far and few between and the first time you see a real smile or hear "mama" makes it so worthwhile.  All that lost sleep; 3:54 minutes of labor; post partum depression; poop patrol- it's also job security and the most priceless form of payment ever.   Enjoy being a mom...........

Are You Freakin' Insane?

I think its official- I've lost it.  Thinking that I could singlehandedly pull off a First Birthday Party Blowout could've been one of my wackiest ideas ever.  So what's the big deal?  It's just a party. For a One Year Old.  Yes, but we have 65 people coming (only 21 children!)- it's almost as large as our wedding although thankfully not as expensive- yet.  (Just kidding, honey)  And I'm a corporate events planner.  It's a cinch planning a medical conference for 200 people, or an awards luncheon for 700;  however it gets mighty interesting when it's for your own little one and you want everything to be perfect. 

The invites were handmade (I just couldn't seem to find a commercial butterfly-themed one that I liked) and sent weeks ago; it was exciting to get the first non-family RSVP (they really like us!) and then I watched the list grow, and grow.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that there are going to be so many people sharing in such a wonderful occasion for little Kiera.  It means alot to us.  It also means that the house has to be in tip-top shape, digging up enough seating and tables for everyone, and trying to NOT go overboard with the menu or the budget.

We're now at T-minus 31 hours until the big shindig; last night before bed I decided to glance at the "to-do" list one more time and had a coronary that I wasn't going to get it all done.  I popped a few Motrin (should've been a Valium) and decided to get to work- washing baseboards, sweeping- redecorating. REDECORATING???!!!  At 12:30 a.m. my insane twin decided that my house wasn't up to par and decided to re-hang and accessorize and move stuff around.  The list said: "Hang Kiera's Frame" not repaint the candle holders, et cetera.  I did get all of the blinds dusted, the cobwebs down, fixtures dusted though.  It was just accomplished on the Type-A side.

Who does this for a birthday party?  I Googled it and found out that I'm the norm and really NOT insane, just a bit of a Martha when it comes to entertaining.  (Don't worry, I am using disposables, but the all had to match and although it is burgers and 'dogs, I want to make sure they are super tasty.)  So, I'm off to go bake a cake, finish cleaning, wrap presents, get the guest room ready for mom and have a stiff drink.  Kahlua in the latte at 8:30 a.m. isn't frowned upon in some parts of the world........

Growing Like a Little Weed

It's been nine months since our little girl has blessed our lives- everyday has been a mixture of joy, fear (of the unknown, of what am I doing wrong, of what if's period...), learning, laughs and most of all love.  It's funny that when you have dreams of having a family that you seem to imagine the larger milestones like walking, the first day of school, a first date, etc. and not so much everyday life with your new little person.  I know that my heart will swell with pride when we do experience the "big firsts" but it's the little daily activities that I truly relish.  An average trip to the grocery store is always interesting, especially now that Kiera is so interactive.  She always seems to draw attention from at least one person when she flashes that little four-toothed smile;  Mommy is biased and knows that she is cute but the positive reinforcement helps!  ( :   I like to spend the time in the store showing her things- a bumpy, round orange; bright purple flowers with the crinkly wrapping; soft, warm bread....  sometimes I get strange looks- both from her and passers-by, but I don't really care.  Part of my job is to enrich her world and let her experience 'things' and learn in a fun, easy way.  I've been trying to also integrate the baby sign language that I know if appropriate.  I imagine that someday she's going to stand up in the cart and ask for a warm crinkly orange..... 

Kiera likes to go shopping!  YAY!  (Daddy says, "Boo!")  I let her experience the world upright from the seat of a shopping cart (as opposed to her car seat attached to it) a few weeks ago (love, love the shopping cart/high chair cover by Eddie Bauer) and she was so funny to watch.  She was totally excited about this really cute baby that she met... who just happened to be herself in the mirror at Old Navy!  She's a 'people person,' I tell ya- tries to engage with anyone that she comes across.... this is great for making new friends but a bit frustrating when you are trying to feed her and she just wants to chat with a new friend! Between Old Navy/ Target, Grandma BB and her and I were out for a few hours and she didn't make one protest- I'm sure that she felt like such a big girl hanging out doing Mommy stuff! ( :

Kiera is right on par with her development; I sometimes think that she's grown just from the time I dropped her off for daycare at Grandma's to when I pick her up to go home!  She's not yet crawling- pretty close- but rolls everywhere like a little speed demon.  (We're set to baby-proof- I mean parent-proof- the house within the next week or so.) She's been sitting up unaided for a few weeks, but only sits up from lying down every so often....ya- why work the abs on your own when one of your peeps will prop you up!?! 

I love to hand her a new toy and watch her turn and investigate it from all angles- her favorite, of course is to taste it. Now that she has sprouted four teeth (she waited until eight months and got them all within about 10 days...) everything is going in her mouth, which means we have to be diligent in watching her.

No matter what we are doing, the three of us just have a blast together.  She's mostly a happy baby girl- a few rough days here and there when her "teefs" are bothering her (bless you Hyland's teething tablets!) or she's ultra-tired and doesn't want to go to sleep in fear of missing out (Mommy much?) on something good!  Little Kiera is our little sunshine- we both beam when we see her, but the way that her Daddy melts in her presence is just amazing- we're some lucky people!  But is it going by so fast- she's growing like a weed, the time is flying by;  everyone tells you to enjoy it while you can and I think I'm finally realizing why!

A Little Hiatus

I'm a little swamped right now blogo-friends.... frankly I haven't quite gotten my groove back after ShynShyn died; it's been busy at work; and I'm still trying to figure out how this mom/career person/wife/short order cook/taxi driver thing works and it's still a bit off kilter- and then- WHACK- there's another HUGE bump in the road......

We took a short little family road trip- the first with Baby K- to Southern Cali last week to visit family and friends and introduce Kiera to the characters at a brunch @ the Disneyland Hotel.  (Fun, by the way!) On our last night there, I received a phone call from my mom that they were taking my uncle to the hospital by ambulance.  Once he got to the small-town hospital (I grew up in the sticks... seriously.) they discovered that he was far more ill than they were equipped to handle and medi-vac'ed him to Bakersfield.  They had to sedate him to fly (he hated it) and, well, he never came out of sedation. 

We took a small detour on our way home and I was able to visit him on Sunday - I needed to go on my mom's behalf so that we could actually get someone to talk to us--- you know how they are at the hospitals over the phone? No information whatsoever!  Going there wasn't any better- the nurse was a complete be-yotch and failed miserably at any minor shred of compassion.  What little information that I pulled out of her was that he was in advanced liver and kidney failure and was very sick.  It's been a long time since I've seen someone that has required that much medical intervention and it was heartbreaking.  What was even more heartbreaking was trying to figure out how to break the  news to my mother that it was very unlikely that Donny would make it.  I told her that it was urgent that she have someone drive her  the three hours to Bakersfield to see him as soon as possible.    Unfortunately, his organs were shutting down and he suffered a cardiac arrest sometime Monday night.  Although they were able to revive him, he again coded and 'even with their best efforts,' Donny passed away early Monday afternoon just minutes before my mom got to the hospital.

It has been almost ten years since I've lost a family member (and that year, it was three in as many months) and that's probably a good thing.  I'm sad that he's gone, but heartbroken that my mom has to go through this alone (she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband split up last March).  We live 328 miles (but who's counting) from her so I'm depending on her friends and my other relatives to help her through this until we can be with her.  In the meantime, I'm planning a funeral- which I've never done before and hope that it will be the last one for a very long while.   And I've now learned that along with weddings and babies, there is another life event that they decide to charge you an arm and a leg (pun intented) for- funerals.  As if it isn't bad enough that any funerary flowers are going to be hit with a Valentine's Day surcharge!

If you have any willpower to spare, I'd appreciate you sending it my way so that we can just get through the next week.....  and I'm hoping to be able to quit interrupting Random Musings with sad and depressing news!

New Year's Resolution

It’s January 5th and I still haven’t set any resolutions for 2010. So, I’m a slacker- my lovely Christmas Cards are still sitting in my computer bag anxiously waiting to be mailed… at least the letter admitted that they would be late! Who am I kidding- I can’t remember one single year that I actually kept any resolutions that I did make and that was when life was so much simpler!!! I can’t imagine that now- with a full-time job, a direct sales business, a new family, hobbies and such- that I would be any more successful at keeping said resolutions.


Maybe I’ll quit smoking…. DONE. (Is that cheating considering that I don’t smoke?)


Okay, I’m going to not eat chicken anymore…. DONE. (Developed a strong aversion to chicken while I was pregnant and it still stands….)

In all seriousness, I could resolve to lose weight, better manage our money, volunteer for charity, reduce stress, get organized or all of the above, but it doesn’t mean jack if I really don’t want to do it. Not to mention I have to formulate a plan with measurable goals and be intentional about achieving those goals. It’s too much effort right now and some days I’m just lucky to have on appropriate and matching shoes (seriously- in the first week back to work from maternity leave, I left the house still wearing my slippers the first day, and the next I had on two different black boots….See?).

I do want to improve my life.  For example, getting healthy is a good start- both so that I can go shopping in a store that doesn’t carry fluffy sizes and also so that I can play and romp and run with my daughter without panting. As she has yet to master turning over, I have some wiggle room to achieve this goal. I don’t, however, want to go on a "diet" as you can’t maintain them long term and the thought of not being able to have (hey, I just brushed my teeth and am trying not to make a midnite dash to the kitchen….) if I so please makes me then want to eat the whole package. (Although, it’s my dear honey that you would catch eating out of the carton rather than me!) We did the South Beach Diet about six years ago when “low carb” was the big rage (for the second time) and it was successful in helping us to lose the weight, but somehow mashed 'faux-tatoes' just didn’t do it for me as I’m a fiend stalker fan of the carbs. The low carb diet makes me constantly think about food and my mental soundrack is straight Forrest Gump… ice cream sundae gumbo, peppermint mocha cocktail, cinnamon crunch bagel fettucine… (no shrimp, I’m allergic!). I do better just trying to lower the carb intake and eat more fruits and veggies (speaking of, my Farm Fresh to You Produce Box will be here tomorrow- yay!). I ate healthy today, and drank so much water that I’m hoping that the bathroom trips can count against my activity points??? One day at a time- this might only last until Donut Saturday! Another problem that I have to admit is that I am severely allergic to exercise. It makes me short of breath…. Er, yeah. Its not that I don’t like to exercise, its that I prefer so many other things, like root canals. And I get so self-conscious in the gym…. I should resolve to get over that. Thank goodness that donation that I've been making to the gym is tax deductible.....


And why should I set a resolution just because it’s the new Year? Every new Day is a good reason to start over…. So is having a wonderful little daughter to live for, and to be quite honest she is my only resolution this year. To be the best mother that I can be to her. If I have to get more organized (I’m super organized at work, not as much at home)to spend more quality time with her, I will; eat healthy to set a good example, I will (I will not try the strained peas though); if I have to keep clippin’ coupons to pad our budget so that she can be the best dressed baby on the block, so be it. It will all be done for her. And it will also be the one year that I maintain a resolution!!!!

Out With the Old... Buh Bye '09!

It’s December 31st, and with only a few hours left until we kick off the New Year, I have to say that 2009 was a very good year- despite a few down moments, it was mostly a wonderful year. And since 2010 marks a brand new decade (I know, I know- technically next year- but there’s no more “O’s” so it’s a new one!) , I also have to reminisce fondly upon the past 10 years and be thankful for all of the blessings in my life; mostly the sweet and adorable person peacefully sleeping next to me as I write this.


Ten years ago- 1999- was the beginning of my life as I now know it. After a sudden break-up with a boyfriend (coincidentally it was our one year anniversary and the same day that I had my wisdom teeth removed- how pleasant!), my step-mom had gently urged me to place an on-line dating ad. So, I did- without a photo. I wish I could remember what my ad said, but whatever it was, it elicited enough responses that took my BFF and I three entertaining hours to read (and delete!). One of those responses came from the moniker Snobrdn1 on 9/11/99 … “likes snowboarding… movies, PIZZA…jogging… loves children and considers family to be one of the most important things in life. Gainfully employed, a fellow student, loyal, good sense of humor, loves to laugh… lookin’ for a relationship and a best friend.” Hmm… interesting- fast forward to a few weeks and we actually met on 10/ 15. Unfortunately, the start to our relationship was rocky: I was working at a job that I hated… and was having some self-esteem problems- this contributed to me being unhappy with myself and not able to invest emotionally in the relationship. Jason stuck by me though and was my biggest cheerleader through job hunting, a brief illness and college graduation in 2000. We eventually moved in together in an apartment near my school and closer to his work in 2000.


2001 was a year to remember with happiness and great sadness: we got engaged; we bought our first house; Jason graduated from college; I lost my grandmother and grandfather on my mom’s side, and a cousin on my dad’s side within a few months of each other, I got laid off from my job shortly after; spent the summer on unemployment and finishing up a math class (so not math minded!) and found a new job. That was also the year of 9/11- and a terrible tragedy that will never be forgotten. I heard about it on the radio as I was on my way to work and called Jason to tell him to watch the news. The industry that I was working in was affected directly by it and I was laid off from yet another job…. and just when we thought our first Christmas in our new house was going to be pretty dismal, I started a great new job on December 18th (I’ve been there since!).


In 2002- March 23rd- we tied the knot and spent the following day at a Kings/ Lakers game (we have rival teams!), honeymooned in Vega$, bought a new (to us) car; Jason started a new job as a Systems Administrator…. it was a good year! The following years were spent getting into the grove of being a married couple, figuring out the extended family dynamics, becoming DIY home fixer-uppers (I found out I love painting!), watching friends come and go, traveling…. and we began trying to start our own family in 2004.


In 2005, we moved into our current house (around our wedding anniversary!), I started my Pampered Chef business- we were happy and busy. Work was going well for both of us and our relationship was definitely on solid ground, but that piece was missing. Unfortunately, we also experienced our first heartbreaking miscarriage and thus began the start of our infertility issues. It was even more so as we watched friends and family begin their own families. I became deniably and silently hostile towards those women lucky enough to have children, anti-baby shower…. It was hard but I only became aware of that several months ago as I look back. And each month that I had a visit from Aunt Flo I became bitterer and more frustrated. Our marriage held together even though I tried to emotionally withdrawn from the experience. The one positive aspect was that we could pick up and go on trips and little adventures whenever we wanted. I knew deep in my heart that Jason really wanted to experience these with a family of his own; I pretended that I didn’t care as it hurt my heart too much. The question on everyone’s mind, “When are you two going to have kids?,” was just too much…. We hadn’t really let anyone know that we were having problems conceiving and staying pregnant, and unfortunately the ‘trying’ part was starting to not be any fun either- it was just too much stress to deal with. Anyone who has had fertility problems will understand; and if you haven’t, be thankful for that.


I wish that I could point out some moments from 2005 through 2008 that were so wonderful that they overshadowed our problem. I can’t; we had fun and experienced a lot together but we wanted a baby. We started the process with our medical provider ten months before we got the results we wanted- it was a lot of classes, a lot of medical tests and medication, some humility but last year, we got our Christmas wish- on 12/27/2008, after two faulty pregnancy tests (mind you that we have spent a BUNCH of money on these!) the third one registered an answer- one that we were waiting for- two little lines. As exciting as it was, we had to wait three more weeks until our first ultrasound, and in January of this year, we got to see the strong little heartbeat of our child. It was amazing… but emotionally taxing to wait out the first trimester.


At 12 weeks- the odds of miscarriage drops significantly- we felt a bit more relief and finally delivered the news to our families. Each four weeks marked a new milestone and we became more excited over the prospect of FINALLY having our child. Fortunately, the pregnancy itself was uneventful, and when we found out on April 4th that we were having a girl, I was over the moon! So fast forward to August, and out pops little Kiera- and what a miracle and life changing event it has been. Our relationship has been tested through all of this and now we are rewarded and so much stronger for it- that is the silver lining that I can take out of the fertility experience. I also now have the gift of that experience and can be a shoulder to lean on for a very dear friend who is also going through the same thing right now… I would never understand the heartbreak had I not have gone through it myself. We also very much cherish every single moment that we have with Baby Kiera- she was worth the wait.


2009 marks the year that I had the best day of my life- August 18th to be exact. I am, though, looking forward to everything that the next year has in store for our family. We all have our health; we have jobs; despite the sharp drop in our equity, we have a home that we can afford and that finally does feel like home; we have food in our fridge and shoes on our feet; we get to share good times with great friends and family… we are blessed with what we need, and can even manage to afford what ‘want.’ It is a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to! Happy New Year Everyone…..