Dear Blog: There's a Reason You've Been Neglected

II haven't blogged for awhile; I haven't really had the inspiration, or the time. Life with a newborn is infinitely more time consuming- sometimes hard too- than I had ever imagined. I guess I really didn't think about it- it took some energy just to get through the pregnancy- I shuddered to think about how BabyW was actually going to come out or what to do after. So, here I am seven weeks past the birth day, and seven weeks un-pregnant. Your body just doesn't instantly "snap" back to normal. (Speaking of snap: bless my 19-y/o sisters' heart, she thought the vajay-jay just instantly snapped back to it's former size, er, shape.) The road to recovery has been a little bumpy- both physically and mentally. Personally, it *bleepin'* sucked; and I'm a bit p.o.'ed that no one every told me that the recovery was awful.... their stories stopped at labor and delivery. Albeit, every Mommy has a completely different experience (and I often stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, "la la la la" when they did try to tell me a birthing story)- mine was uncomplicated and pretty normal. And that is where uncomplicated ended.....


For the past few weeks, I haven't been my usual self... although that was suspect ever since we saw two pink lines.... hormones much? Prior to conceiving, I was pretty mellow and low-key; a social butterfly to say the least. I'd heard of the "baby blues" and wasn't surprised of my crying jags for the first few days thanks to raging preggo hormones. Problems sleeping (go figure- a newborn) and fatigue and minor anxiety are also pretty normal for as much as two weeks. Unfortunately, here it is over seven weeks later, and I am still having the same symptoms in addition to changes in appetite, no desire to participate in favorite activities (including Law & Order reruns or my beloved blog!) uncontrollable crying jags, overwhelming anxiety and feelings of inadequacy as a mother. I am part of the 25% of new moms that suffer from Postpartum Depression (PPD). And being so uncomfortable in my skin, and seeing Jason's concern, I decided to seek help. With that said, it's unfortunate that I am just a minority of those that have chosen to seek help for this (my counselor says that the rate of PPD is much higher, just differs in severity and cases reported). Mind you looking in the mirror and admitting that something was wrong has been very difficult- I've always been the strong one, the friend that people lean on during crises, and used to seeing the glass as half full. PPD has completely changed that and makes you feel like you are walking through life in a thick fog. But, I wanted to change that and to be able to really start enjoying my precious new daughter and what's left of my maternity leave.

I don't know if it started with the unexpectedly early, well, earlier than I thought (I always figured that she would arrive early, but not after only one day of maternity leave!) delivery; a labor that was uncharacteristically NOT like the one I had imagined; guilt over dismissing my poor mom from the hospital (we're past this...) or raging hormones; but I've felt off kilter since little Kiera arrived. And in all honesty: although I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, I did not love what I'd experienced so far of motherhood. And then I was feeling guilty for NOT loving motherhood; we've been trying for years for little Kiera and here she is..... what is wrong with me. I wanted to go back to work after week four because it was familiar and seemed much easier than my 'mom' job. I remember sitting in the bathroom (when Kiera is a bit fussy she calms down listening to the running water) with a crying baby in my lap, crying myself and thinking, "What am I doing? What did I get myself into?" And then I felt guilty. What the hell? Within the last year, six of my friends have had babies and they were great moms; they didn't have Postpartum Depression... why me? Why after sailing through 37 weeks, this? (The pregnancy or delivery isn't any indication of if someone is going to have PPD.)

After my six-week check-up with my OB, and a timely phone call from a friend who is a nurse in women's health whom both referred me to a Postpartum Support Group run by my health plan. It was comforting to listen to other women who were feeling very similar to me, including three moms' who had additional children. I didn't feel so alone or ashamed of my feelings and has also helped me to feel a bit more normal (I also shared my feelings with one of my friends and she admitted to having some PPD issues and not taking to motherhood instantly- but now she loves it and her beautiful daughter doesn't know any differently!)

I was prescribed Zoloft to begin breaking through the fog and taking the edge off of my anxiety, and my dear husband is very supportive. Whether it's just to call and say hi and tell me I'm doing a good job, or dragging me out of the house on what we call "Mommy Field Trips," to taking over when he gets home from work. Getting out is important- maybe just to Target or to get something to eat, but I'm out of the house. I'm going to be attending my first Moms' Group activity tomorrow night and am looking forward to that; having events to look forward to is an important part of the recovery process. I also look at my beautiful daughter- our little creation and miracle- and I feel better. It's not instantaneous though- I still have good days and bad days; fortunately the good have outnumbered the bad.

The other day when a Tweet (Twitter and Facebook are an endless source of entertainment for me during feedings!) led me to discover a very heart wrenching blog that made me have a revelation. In short, the family had a beautiful daughter that was born premature; fought to live and thrive and then suddenly died when she was around three. I felt so much empathy for that poor family; and appreciative that we have Kiera. I leaned over a picked up Kiera and hugged her tight and promised that I would work really hard to feel better. I'm not expecting an overnight miracle (she took nine plus months after all!) but just some progress and hopefully the bond between Kiera and I will grow even stronger!

The Latest Rude Awakening!

I’m used to waking up in the middle of the night to do the potty shuffle; or because BabyW is having a raging party but the newest Rude Awakening is super painful- leg cramps. For the past four days I’ve had to deal with horrendous charley horses in my right calf- the first day literally brought tears to my eyes. I quickly tried to sit up to rub out the cramp (remember that nothing is done quickly when preggers?) and proceeded to hurt my stomach from squishing BabyW from her nice comfy stretched out position back to fetal style. (and she wasn’t happy and proceeded to give my liver a Tyson-esqe one-two punch); got a nice little head rush from sitting up too fast and rubbing does not help the cramps. You have to flex through it, but that’s easier said than done! Anyways, these cramps are quite common in the third trimester- but they suck.




I’m also finding that my body temperature runs a bit on the warmer side lately; especially this weekend when it was hotter than hell here- the nice balmy 108 degree weather is the hottest that it has been in Sacramento in over two years. Fab.U.Lous. And I get to experience it 7-1/2 months pregnant! Don’t remind me about being pregnant during the Summer- I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that since I’ve been baking BabyW. In all of my 35 years, June through August typically means Summer in North America and temperatures over 90 are pretty much the norm. I have been taking cool showers right before I go to bed and still wake up to turn on the fan (another rude awakening??) So, for comforts’ sake, if I had to choose my last trimester, it certainly wouldn’t have been during a heat wave, but since BabyW is a fertility baby, we’re blessed with what we have! On the positive side- my usual craving of fresh fruit is easy to fulfill during the summer- and strawberries, watermelon, nectarines and pineapple have been SO GOOD this season- not to mention it will be nice to have my maternity leave during the holiday season and the slower period at work.




Speaking of hot, I broke down and purchased a ‘real’ pair of maternity shorts from the Motherhood Maternity outlet- and it was- eek- full price at $29. Ugh- but you have no idea how comfy (and cute!) they are. Or how glad I was to have them on hand on Sunday… I made a pitstop at my parents to soak in their pool yesterday and it rocked. (I think my next purchase is going to be a kiddie wading pool for me to soak in when I get too hot.) Of course my hoped for wading pool pales in comparison, I hope it will get the job done, because as I’m reminded on a daily basis- I’m pregnant in the summer!

Dream Interpretation

I'm going through another one of my insomnia stages- last night I awoke at 5 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep and then at 3 a.m. the night prior. Sometimes the dogs wake me up (have you ever heard a dog, make that two dogs, snore and shake the walls???); sometimes BabyW is kicking; my back hurts; I get a leg cramp (yes, I'm eating bananas- but those mothers hurt!); or the usual potty shuffle. Most of the time, I can go back to sleep right away, but the past few nights no. I'm thinking it's because I have a huge project at work right now, the baby is getting bigger and I'm just generally uncomfortable- already.




I fell asleep on the couch while reading Patterson's newest novel (it's really good, but sleep prevails!) and had a bizarre dream: There was a huge orange snake in the bathtub! I called the hubby to come and get it- despite the fact that he hates snakes- and tried to keep Mr. Jenxie from 'playing' with the slithering, hissing creature. So Jason comes in and is more worried about the mouse that is also in the tub- not a pet mouse, just a mouse. So he grabs the mouse; and then the snake. But not by the head, so it's trying to bite me- it misses twice and the third time, it gets my soft and comfy PJs and..... I wake up.....




so I open Internet Explorer today and my iGoogle page's horoscope says: You may wake up from one of those really strange dreams where everything appears so vivid, yet it seems to make no sense, however you try to interpret it. If you are reminded of the nonsensical symbols during the day when something odd happens, it instantaneously brings the entire sequence back into awareness. Don't try to force meaning onto the mysterious messages from your subconscious. They will work their magic if you simply remember them.

Apparently, odd and vivid dreams are yet another side effect of pregnancy! This isn't the first one of this dreams that I've had, just the most recent, but others that I remember have been weird or scary! So, I can't just let this one go, so what does it mean? The internet is so cool- you can find anything- so I found a dream dictionary and here's what some of the symbols mean:




"To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes."





"To see a mouse in your dream indicates fear, meekness, insignificance and a lack of assertiveness. You are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and fears that you are not measuring up. The dream may also be telling you that you are spending too much time hiding in the shadows. Alternatively, it may symbolize minor irritations and annoyances. The dream may also be a pun on a computer mouse and your connection to work or to the virtual world."





How Odd! I was having an e-mail exchange with my friend Jennifer about not knowing the first thing about taking care of a newborn recently; I also had a recent pregzilla freak-out about not being a good mom. I went to bed pregzilla annoyed with dear hubby. Makes perfect sense! On the other hand, I like the reference to the positive changes- BabyW is definitely that! ( : Also, the connection to the virtual world- my fascination with blogging, Twitter and the very reason why hubby and I are together (we met on-line through a dating website nearly 10 years ago, thanks to some urging from my step-momster, GrammaL)! Very interesting, and problem solved. I can go on with my day now.... lol.




Cheers,
Preggers Chick