It’s been 24 days. A very, very long month. I’m still having
the hardest time processing that my Mom is in the hospital- and then it hits
me. I’m driving to pick up my daughter and tell the hands-free to “Call Mom,”
and then hit the cancel button on the steering wheel just as quickly. It’s
habit; I ALWAYS call my mom on my way home so we can share a few laughs,
especially if they are over something silly that MiniLatte did last night; or
vent about something going on elsewhere in my life. She can’t answer right now,
she’s laying in an uncomfortable hospital bed in the ICU surrounded by wires,
tubes and cords; a ventilator is helping her breathe; between three to six
drugs are stabilizing her heart rate, blood pressure, pain, etc. The staff at
the hospital really is amazing- they are doing everything within their power to
provide support and comfort until surgery. And I mean everything- she is
helpless. But I’m tired of seeing them almost more than I see my husband and
daughter.
Her heart is in really rough shape and isn’t going to get
any better without open heart surgery to replace at least one valve.
Unfortunately because she keeps running a fever; some days high, some days; low
grade, the surgeons won’t even touch her. She has to be fever-free for a
minimum of five consecutive days. Five very long days. Days in which other
complications could crop up- pneumonia, MRSA, another infection and prolong yet
again the procedure that she needs to recover. It’s driving me nuts. However, this week my condition has been upgraded
from survival-mode- just doing whatever the bare minimum is to get through the
day- to functioning.
I put on make-up again on Wednesday; even cooked dinner and worked
a few days this week (I’ve been off of work since she was admitted to the ICU).
I’ve not been much of a partner to my husband; he’s holding it together for me
but it’s starting to take a toll on him as well. I have tried to focus some
energy into being a Mom- my daughter adds pure joy to the end of a long and
draining day. When I’m spent, she throws her little arms around my legs and
says, “I miss you Mommy. You not sad anymore.” It breaks my heart with both
happiness and sadness. I’m trying not to let my sorrow and stress affect her.
She knows that Mommy’s Mommy is sick and in the hospital trying to get better
but wants to kiss her boo boo. I tell her that I am sad because of that but she
makes me happy. She’s wise beyond her 32 short months and has more empathy than
I can believe.
My step-dad today told me that he was worried about me. I am
too. I worry that I won’t have the strength to get through another day of
waiting. I want to take care of myself- my appetite has resumed within the past
week- that might be curbed by the Zoloft though- it makes me nauseous. Yep,
Zoloft. I’m seeking a little help from
my prescription-strength friends; Atavan, Zoloft and Trazodone. They were
probably necessary before this extraordinarily stressful event, but even more
so now that my anxiety and insomnia are through the roof. Are they working? Well,
I’m resting a bit better. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in about a week; not
sure if it’s because Mom is stable, or I am. The Trazodone makes me sleepy, but
I still wake up at 4 a.m.. (BTW, have
you ever read the entire warning label on a prescription? I think my before
symptoms might have been more manageable than the side effects- crazy!)
Sometimes in the morning, I remember the dreams I’m having about her; they’re
realistic and make me sad. And then my sweet little girl rolls over and says, “Hi
Mama,” and I feel a little better but I hope she won’t have to go through this
some day.
This Mommy Runs on Caffeine
March 31, 2012
March 27, 2012
A Really Bad Dream
My Mom almost died two weeks ago. Seriously. And I've been living one of my worst nightmares since. A roller coaster ride that I'm happy to disembark from any day now....
My mom came up to visit to help take care of my MiniLatte while her other Grandma goes on vacation. We had planned on her 'babysitting' for three of the five weekdays, being off on the Monday so she could recoup from the drive- trust me, it's a drive, and I knew Mini would put her through the ringer- in a good way of course. They had a fabulous time together, but Mom was exhausted; okay, so, I get that--- LOL. Mom just wasn't quite herself. By Friday, she thought that the 'bug' that she was fighting had finally got the best of her and she was down for the count for four days. (Although, we did manage to fit a mani/pedi into the weekend) By Monday, I was really worried that this wasn't the average bug and told her that she was going to the clinic- even if it was kicking and screaming- tomorrow. And the clinic is where this horribly stressful past few weeks started to go downhill.....
The cute little nurse took her history, listened to her lungs, etc and called in the doctor.... the doctor listens to her chest for two seconds and orders an EKG; once he read the results, he quickly moved us into the trauma room and called 911 to get her to the ER. Whaaaaat??? We just stared at each other trying to process what was going on; each one of us putting up a brave front.
She was loaded up into the ambulance to a local ER (I being local, went to the wrong one) and was eventually diagnosed with something called A-fib. Her resting heart rate was 177 BPM (normal range for her age is 90-123) in addition to a really high blood pressure. The hospital was having a difficult time trying to stabilize her so they admitted her for observation.
The next day, Wednesday, we went to visit her in the hospital and she was stable yet uncomfortable and begging to go home. Some time during the middle of the night she became very agitated, her blood pressure dropped, heart rate went right back up, so they gave her a CT scan for a further work-up. The contrast dye caused her system to crash; her kidneys, liver and spleen all lost function; additionally tests determined that her mitral valve and tricuspud valve were in need of repair. By Friday afternoon, she was on life support in the Cardiac ICU and her condition was incredibly grave. The cardiologist told us that the next 48 hours were going to be tough.
I was shocked and devastated; what the hell was happening? This was so sudden. It broke my heart to realize that I might lose my mom; it also pissed me off to no end because I thought the valve issue was something that might have been detected earlier if she would have had health insurance. I've not had the misfortune of losing someone close to me in my adult life and I wasn't prepared for that journey. I cannot even put into words my emotions. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or so long in my entire life. Or prayed and hoped so hard or long either.
Answering our prayers, on Sunday her kidneys were beginning to function again therefore narrowly avoiding dialysis. Liver and spleen started to function as well. Her body was healing well and by Tuesday (a week since arriving at the hospital), her breathing and feeding tubes were out and Mom was making us so proud and happy. And then she developed pneumonia.
By Saturday, she was intubated again due to the pneumonia; pulmonary edema and some recurrence of the A-fib. That was actually a blessing as they were able to finally perform a cardiac catheterization to see how badly her heart was damaged; we had to wait for her kidneys to function fully for the test to ensure she would crash again. The good news is that the cardiologists determined that she wouldn't need any bypass surgery, just the aforementioned valve replacement/ repair.
On Monday, she had developed a severe blood infection and her condition was once again critical. On Thursday, we received word that tests came back positive for H1N1. She did have a 'bug' after all, which might have been what triggered the A-fib. She also received a dose of a very powerful antibiotic called Vancomycin which caused an allergic reaction resulting in a head to toe rash. She was intubated for the third time this past Saturday; the bad valve is causing pulmonary edema. The only thing that will help this is to have open heart surgery.
As if that isn't some scary shit right there. I can't even imagine how she is feeling about that. I'm petrified; but I have faith that she will feel like a new woman when she recovers, whenever that may be. Today was the first day that I didn't leave the hospital with a huge knot in my stomach wondering what the night would hold for her. Tomorrow marks three weeks that she has been in the hospital; I've been at her bedside every day to will her to get better; to watch over her. My wonderful husband has been my rock; comforting me and drying my tears and picking up the slack around the house and with MiniLatte. So has my Dad, Step-mom and in-laws. So many wonderful people have offered help, but I'm not sure what help to take them up on. We missed our wedding anniversary; we'll celebrate when we feel that there is much more to toast- I'm looking forward to celebrating with both her and my love; Mom was my Maid of Honor on that day 10 years ago.
My mom came up to visit to help take care of my MiniLatte while her other Grandma goes on vacation. We had planned on her 'babysitting' for three of the five weekdays, being off on the Monday so she could recoup from the drive- trust me, it's a drive, and I knew Mini would put her through the ringer- in a good way of course. They had a fabulous time together, but Mom was exhausted; okay, so, I get that--- LOL. Mom just wasn't quite herself. By Friday, she thought that the 'bug' that she was fighting had finally got the best of her and she was down for the count for four days. (Although, we did manage to fit a mani/pedi into the weekend) By Monday, I was really worried that this wasn't the average bug and told her that she was going to the clinic- even if it was kicking and screaming- tomorrow. And the clinic is where this horribly stressful past few weeks started to go downhill.....
The cute little nurse took her history, listened to her lungs, etc and called in the doctor.... the doctor listens to her chest for two seconds and orders an EKG; once he read the results, he quickly moved us into the trauma room and called 911 to get her to the ER. Whaaaaat??? We just stared at each other trying to process what was going on; each one of us putting up a brave front.
She was loaded up into the ambulance to a local ER (I being local, went to the wrong one) and was eventually diagnosed with something called A-fib. Her resting heart rate was 177 BPM (normal range for her age is 90-123) in addition to a really high blood pressure. The hospital was having a difficult time trying to stabilize her so they admitted her for observation.
The next day, Wednesday, we went to visit her in the hospital and she was stable yet uncomfortable and begging to go home. Some time during the middle of the night she became very agitated, her blood pressure dropped, heart rate went right back up, so they gave her a CT scan for a further work-up. The contrast dye caused her system to crash; her kidneys, liver and spleen all lost function; additionally tests determined that her mitral valve and tricuspud valve were in need of repair. By Friday afternoon, she was on life support in the Cardiac ICU and her condition was incredibly grave. The cardiologist told us that the next 48 hours were going to be tough.
I was shocked and devastated; what the hell was happening? This was so sudden. It broke my heart to realize that I might lose my mom; it also pissed me off to no end because I thought the valve issue was something that might have been detected earlier if she would have had health insurance. I've not had the misfortune of losing someone close to me in my adult life and I wasn't prepared for that journey. I cannot even put into words my emotions. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or so long in my entire life. Or prayed and hoped so hard or long either.
Answering our prayers, on Sunday her kidneys were beginning to function again therefore narrowly avoiding dialysis. Liver and spleen started to function as well. Her body was healing well and by Tuesday (a week since arriving at the hospital), her breathing and feeding tubes were out and Mom was making us so proud and happy. And then she developed pneumonia.
By Saturday, she was intubated again due to the pneumonia; pulmonary edema and some recurrence of the A-fib. That was actually a blessing as they were able to finally perform a cardiac catheterization to see how badly her heart was damaged; we had to wait for her kidneys to function fully for the test to ensure she would crash again. The good news is that the cardiologists determined that she wouldn't need any bypass surgery, just the aforementioned valve replacement/ repair.
On Monday, she had developed a severe blood infection and her condition was once again critical. On Thursday, we received word that tests came back positive for H1N1. She did have a 'bug' after all, which might have been what triggered the A-fib. She also received a dose of a very powerful antibiotic called Vancomycin which caused an allergic reaction resulting in a head to toe rash. She was intubated for the third time this past Saturday; the bad valve is causing pulmonary edema. The only thing that will help this is to have open heart surgery.
As if that isn't some scary shit right there. I can't even imagine how she is feeling about that. I'm petrified; but I have faith that she will feel like a new woman when she recovers, whenever that may be. Today was the first day that I didn't leave the hospital with a huge knot in my stomach wondering what the night would hold for her. Tomorrow marks three weeks that she has been in the hospital; I've been at her bedside every day to will her to get better; to watch over her. My wonderful husband has been my rock; comforting me and drying my tears and picking up the slack around the house and with MiniLatte. So has my Dad, Step-mom and in-laws. So many wonderful people have offered help, but I'm not sure what help to take them up on. We missed our wedding anniversary; we'll celebrate when we feel that there is much more to toast- I'm looking forward to celebrating with both her and my love; Mom was my Maid of Honor on that day 10 years ago.
January 25, 2012
Some Days I Dislike Being a Woman.....
...that would be about 10-12 days out of the month..... yep, almost 1/3 of the month I hate Mother Nature. For those same reasons I am blessed with a wonderful little girl (who I hope never has to suffer through PMS symptoms like I had as a teenager, nor those that are even more random now.)
So if you haven't caught on yet, this post is going to be about my period. Probably falls under the TMI category, but since most of my faithful readers are women who might be able to relate or commiserate, I am simplywhining venting.
I remember hearing at some point during my pregnancy that my monthly cycle was going to get easier after I had a baby- lucky for them I don't remember who the source of this large red lie came from otherwise I might have to hunt them down and whack them with a tampon (unused) because the were oh so wrong. It has not been easier- quite the opposite- and also unpredictable and unbearable. I was 'normal' perhaps for a month or two post-baby and since then I've had the joy of experiencing crazy ass symptoms ranging from sometimes bi-monthly cycles to debilitating headaches, fatigue, mood swings and more. Sounds a bit like pregnancy symptoms, right? Not. Just the 'luck' of the draw I guess. And I might be going out on a limb here, but I think that it all boils down to the main reason that we had fertility issues in the first place- my progesterone. I've talked to my OB/GYN and he says that losing weight and being on birth control will help and suggested an IUD. I clearly hear what you're saying Mr. Man but you don't understand.... when you have boobs and these hips, I'll feel like you're understanding me. (Yes, I know, for the love of lattes, just change doctors... I really like Dr. V.... um, never noticed that correlation, ha ha.... I'm a bit on the sheepish side when it comes to speculum and paper gowns that trying out a new doc makes me cringe)
I read up on the IUD and even with a copper one, I think it will still whack my system out- and have you read all those side effects? I don't need anymore help retaining/ gaining weight or with my mood swings.... and the pill, well, finding one with a dose that doesn't make me look or eat like a stoned teenager or act like a psycho bitch would be good--- it's riding out the experimental period (no pun intended) that is difficult.
This last cycle was about the last straw- I was so incredibly emotional with a short (is there a word that describes shorter than short) fuse that it pushed me over the edge. Combine that with a precocious little toddler who didn't nap for two days and you can cue up the soundtrack from Psycho.... seriously, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and give myself a timeout- with a king size package of Reese's and abottle glass of wine. At 11:30 a.m. (just kidding, the wine was an afterthought- I will be sure to put it in the emergency stash for next month) It was unreal and unfair. I have a great little girl, my uterus has served it's purpose and it can go away now.
And today my nose looks like Rudolph.... really? Hi, I'm fifteen. Cool, just one more little symptom that I can throw into my iPeriod app. Yep, there's an app for that- why not?
So I'm game for some supplements or vitamins to help, but not anymore hormone based anything--- my family will probably start locking me in the garage for five days out of the month pretty soon. At least there's a fridge and wine in there....
So if you haven't caught on yet, this post is going to be about my period. Probably falls under the TMI category, but since most of my faithful readers are women who might be able to relate or commiserate, I am simply
I remember hearing at some point during my pregnancy that my monthly cycle was going to get easier after I had a baby- lucky for them I don't remember who the source of this large red lie came from otherwise I might have to hunt them down and whack them with a tampon (unused) because the were oh so wrong. It has not been easier- quite the opposite- and also unpredictable and unbearable. I was 'normal' perhaps for a month or two post-baby and since then I've had the joy of experiencing crazy ass symptoms ranging from sometimes bi-monthly cycles to debilitating headaches, fatigue, mood swings and more. Sounds a bit like pregnancy symptoms, right? Not. Just the 'luck' of the draw I guess. And I might be going out on a limb here, but I think that it all boils down to the main reason that we had fertility issues in the first place- my progesterone. I've talked to my OB/GYN and he says that losing weight and being on birth control will help and suggested an IUD. I clearly hear what you're saying Mr. Man but you don't understand.... when you have boobs and these hips, I'll feel like you're understanding me. (Yes, I know, for the love of lattes, just change doctors... I really like Dr. V.... um, never noticed that correlation, ha ha.... I'm a bit on the sheepish side when it comes to speculum and paper gowns that trying out a new doc makes me cringe)
I read up on the IUD and even with a copper one, I think it will still whack my system out- and have you read all those side effects? I don't need anymore help retaining/ gaining weight or with my mood swings.... and the pill, well, finding one with a dose that doesn't make me look or eat like a stoned teenager or act like a psycho bitch would be good--- it's riding out the experimental period (no pun intended) that is difficult.
This last cycle was about the last straw- I was so incredibly emotional with a short (is there a word that describes shorter than short) fuse that it pushed me over the edge. Combine that with a precocious little toddler who didn't nap for two days and you can cue up the soundtrack from Psycho.... seriously, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and give myself a timeout- with a king size package of Reese's and a
And today my nose looks like Rudolph.... really? Hi, I'm fifteen. Cool, just one more little symptom that I can throw into my iPeriod app. Yep, there's an app for that- why not?
So I'm game for some supplements or vitamins to help, but not anymore hormone based anything--- my family will probably start locking me in the garage for five days out of the month pretty soon. At least there's a fridge and wine in there....
January 21, 2012
Sham-WHAT?? Or... Coffee Talk with MiniLatte
It seems like many, many moons ago that MiniLatte finally said her first word.... and it has been non-stop fun since (especially that time in one of my fave stores when she clearly swore- {rhymes with pod bam-it} after dropping my sun glasses-- and yes, I did enjoy this week's Modern Family episode when Lilly dropped an F*bomb-- I can resemble relate....). I've really enjoyed hearing her vocabularly blossom and often shake my head in disbelief- or wonderment--- I don't think I taught her that word.... not that word--- just words... must be Dora. Seriously- she's only 2-1/2ish and can put full sentences together better than I can especially before my a.m. caffeine injection skinny latte. There's this one particular word that she says that makes me giggle like a teenager. Call me silly, but it's kinda funny:
Okay, what's this?
Take a guess?
No, it's not Buzz Wite-weer Soap.... it's shampooP....... or maybe PampooP- either way, it makes me giggle.
And let's not forget about the puter (laptop) or the washcar (carwash)--- or perhaps 4 a.m. conversations, for no reason at all:
"Daddy's name is Jason
This is my tinker bell baby- It's mine (baby= blanket)
I'm not sleeping
Hi mamma. Gives me a hug
Daddy use this Dora baby
It's not dark anymore-
no, honey, it is dark and you need to go back to sleep
Patting my arm....You're not wearing a dress.
No cuz its night night time.
You're not wearing a sweater.
No I'm wearing my pjs
You have a pink shirt.... Eeyore (I'm wearing Eeyore pants)
Where's Ariel she's not on the tv....
No she's on the DVD player.
Get it.
Ariel sleeps at 4 am.
Wake her up
Hi mamma. Another hug
You got a pillow. Twelve-teen pillows... 1-2-3-4.....
I want some milk....
AntiLatte gives in and takes her downstairs because I had an early meeting... Walking down the hall. We're going downstairs so mommy can get some sleep since you're not going to sleeep... Yep.... And she proceeds to have her 4 am party.... I'm really tired but can't help but laugh at her randomness or the fact that she can put together a sentence without coffee... it's only because she's so damn cute that she gets away with it too!
Okay, what's this?
Take a guess?
No, it's not Buzz Wite-weer Soap.... it's shampooP....... or maybe PampooP- either way, it makes me giggle.
And let's not forget about the puter (laptop) or the washcar (carwash)--- or perhaps 4 a.m. conversations, for no reason at all:
"Daddy's name is Jason
This is my tinker bell baby- It's mine (baby= blanket)
I'm not sleeping
Hi mamma. Gives me a hug
Daddy use this Dora baby
It's not dark anymore-
no, honey, it is dark and you need to go back to sleep
Patting my arm....You're not wearing a dress.
No cuz its night night time.
You're not wearing a sweater.
No I'm wearing my pjs
You have a pink shirt.... Eeyore (I'm wearing Eeyore pants)
Where's Ariel she's not on the tv....
No she's on the DVD player.
Get it.
Ariel sleeps at 4 am.
Wake her up
Hi mamma. Another hug
You got a pillow. Twelve-teen pillows... 1-2-3-4.....
I want some milk....
AntiLatte gives in and takes her downstairs because I had an early meeting... Walking down the hall. We're going downstairs so mommy can get some sleep since you're not going to sleeep... Yep.... And she proceeds to have her 4 am party.... I'm really tired but can't help but laugh at her randomness or the fact that she can put together a sentence without coffee... it's only because she's so damn cute that she gets away with it too!
January 3, 2012
Happy New Year!
Where the freak did 2011 go? I mean seriously- where? I remember January- a trip to Disneyland; April, a trip to DisneyWorld; May- my first very own new car; August- MiniLatte's Bday; and then it's a blur. Time seems to be going by so quickly now that we have a kid. (And then there are those days where she really acts like a two year old that I WISH would go by as quickly!) I can't believe that it is 2012. It seems like not long ago when the world was freaking out about the impending doom that Y2K (remember??) would bring.... and here we are 12 years later. I actually ended the year quite memorably standing in as maid-of-honor as my mom got married. (I'm happy that she's happy!)
I have such high hopes for 2012. Watching K grow more each day, learning like a little sponge and bringing even more joy than we already have to our everyday lives. Not that 2011 wasn't good- I can say that it was relatively drama-free; we were blessed with good health; have a home; have jobs, family and friends that we love- blessed and lucky to have what we do have. I'd by lying if I said that I wasn't secretly wishing to hit the lottery, but in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what I do have right now which is a lot to be grateful for. I also have quite a few goals (resolutions(?)) but those are still a work in progress- and you know they typical- save money, make money, lose weight, eat better, exercise more, play more, work less, yadayada.....
Mostly I just wanted to say Happy New Year- may '12 be the best yet! ( :
I have such high hopes for 2012. Watching K grow more each day, learning like a little sponge and bringing even more joy than we already have to our everyday lives. Not that 2011 wasn't good- I can say that it was relatively drama-free; we were blessed with good health; have a home; have jobs, family and friends that we love- blessed and lucky to have what we do have. I'd by lying if I said that I wasn't secretly wishing to hit the lottery, but in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what I do have right now which is a lot to be grateful for. I also have quite a few goals (resolutions(?)) but those are still a work in progress- and you know they typical- save money, make money, lose weight, eat better, exercise more, play more, work less, yadayada.....
Mostly I just wanted to say Happy New Year- may '12 be the best yet! ( :
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