So, I Got a New "Job"......

Today is day three of my new job. Like most employees experience at their first week of work, it’s hard to decide what to wear, it’s anxiety-ridden, stressful and I don’t really get to talk to my boss or co-workers until the end of the day. My new job, for the time being, is Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM).
      If you do the math, the time on “the job” might not be adding up; after all MiniMe is actually 3-1/2. It’s just that last Friday was the final day at a job that I’ve held for a quarter of my life. I started there just a few days after graduating from college and have worked there for the past 11 years; and now here I am. This change wasn’t a decision that I made on my own, I’ve joined the ranks of many Americans who have been downsized- my position was eliminated.
      I am terribly sad about that chapter of my life ending. When you hear people talk about loving their jobs, well, I was one of them. I mean I really, really, really LOVED my job, it was a huge part of who I was. I put every ounce of effort into it and my reward was…. Well, this and it truly is bittersweet.
Before I actually had MiniMe, we didn’t even discuss me staying home with her- I wanted to work, in fact I needed to work- not just for the money, but for the self-fulfillment and personal enrichment. I felt like a well-rounded person working AND being a mom (yet, I always tried to find better work/life balance- go figure?!!!?) We also were blessed that our arrangements for daycare were not only free, but with Anti-Latte’s mom, so Mini was in the loving care of her grandma every day. And this, is why I didn’t feel guilty for working- well, once or twice when she was sick… but how lucky were we?
      She will still spend many days at her grandma’s house for several reasons- she gets to see her cousins every other day, I still have some other commitments that will necessitate daycare as well as the fact that Grandma K is a recent widow and MiniMe is a great diversion and excellent therapy. I also don’t want to completely interrupt her schedule should I be fortunate enough to find my next wonderful job sooner rather than later. Also, we will be enrolling her into pre-school this Spring. Yeah, you’re thinking, “She’s not a real SAHM.” You’re right; I have no clue what I am. I’m stuck in emotional limbo of being completely devastated about being laid off to feeling some excitement to getting to spend more time with my family. How cool is it that for the first time since I was 12, I don’t have a work commitment? How sad is it that I don’t have a work commitment? How awesome is it that I can stay at home with my child? How freaked out am I about staying home with my child? Will I get bored? Will we all still like each other at the end of the day? (Oh, c’mon- you’ve experienced those weekends where you couldn’t wait to get back to the office!) What will I wear? No, seriously. I walked into my closet over the weekend and broke into hysterics upon seeing my work wardrobe. I think I have more pajamas than I do casual clothes (and I refuse to venture out of the house, on purpose, in my pajamas). So, I wore yoga pants, and went to the gym twice in the past two days-- this coming from someone who only set foot in the gym twice all of last year. It’s something that I CAN control at this point so I’m relishing it.
      The loss of a job feels like a death- and I’ve gone through most of the stages of grieving over it, not in order and I'm sure I'm not done with it. It is extremely personal. A part of me is gone now and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve started with a very lofty to-do list- things that I’ve always wanted to get ‘around to,’ organizing the CD collection (seriously- I want them all on iTunes so I can pitch the clutter), watching 68 64 episodes of “The Closer” on my DVR; you know, really important things.
        I’ve done most of the work to get ahead of this- my resume is so polished (so explain, why isn’t anyone calling!?) as is my LinkedIn profile, I’ve already applied for unemployment insurance (this will be interesting!) and I’m starting to network. I very much want to take my wonderful husband’s advice and try to enjoy this time, it’s just weird. Not having to go in to an office on any given week day. That’s one thing on my list though- organizing my office- creating an organized nice one to ‘commute’ to when I’m job hunting or working on my direct sales business (who knows! That’s a great focus point too- did you know that there are many women in this country who make six figures work in direct sales?- watch me!) There will be good days- those packed with enough errands and appointments to keep me busy; and then those days where the thought of my ‘former’ life will bring me to instant tears. Many benefits of being out of work- less money for gas or lunches on the go, dealing with commuter traffic, dry cleaning bills, great coffee from my Keurig; and then the downfall- my boss is super demanding- but when she throws those grubby little hands around my neck and says, “I love you Mommy!” it brings me back to reality and I take a deep breath and think that this might be the best job ever.

A Message from a Funeral:

I went to a funeral yesterday. I’d only met her twice- briefly- but she is the mom of a work colleague that I very much admire. She was 84-years young, and did have some health issues, but you never want to see someone in your life lose a loved one, or even lose a loved one yourself. This was my third funeral since February.  Two for people I didn’t actually know, and one for my father-in-law. The one similarity of all of them is that they were loved greatly by many people.

My father-in-law, JerrellRay passed away on April 28^th after a very brief, yet shitty fight with lung cancer. Well, all cancer is shitty, but when it takes you away from your family only 13 days after diagnoses, it’s really, really shitty. He was a smoker. He probably had cancer for awhile. We’re glad that the cancer was not diagnosed any earlier so that the last years of his life were lived exactly as he wanted and not being even more ill from chemo and medications. He was a daily part of MiniLatte’s life and she asks about him often even though she knows Grandpa Jerry is in heaven watching over us.  Jerry’s death actually seemed to bring more life to the family- we fostered relationships with his four daughters over the weeks of his memorial and inurnment and mended a relationship that shouldn’t have needed it as well.

This whole thing happened in the middle of my mom’s hospitalization, post-surgery for me and the day before my birthday. I’ll have more birthdays….. the stress hastened my healing and my village has helped in taking care of mom and in turn, me. People that love me, MiniLatte and AntiLatte. I couldn’t have done it without them.  That’s one of the reasons why I went to funerals of people that I really didn’t know…. your actions speak so loudly during difficult times and that goes both ways.  There were people that I thought would be there for us that weren’t and then those, that anticipated our needs and took care of us.

Funerals also make you appreciate what you have. I came home and hugged my little girl a bit tighter, told my love 143, and gave my mom a kiss and told her that I love her and am so thankful and happy that she is such a fighter.  A detour to see my failing 93 year-old grandfather and my wonderful dad made for a long day, but an important part of it nonetheless. I’ve made a promise to myself that I would make sure to tell those that I love exactly that more often. There are many, so it will take awhile, but it will be worth it. I don’t want to have any “I wish I would have told them” anymore…..

The Avalanche Continues....

(I'd prefer to title this My Life is a Shitstorm, but to avoid being moderated I decided to use some filter)
There are not enough martinis or lattes to help me through the hardships that has fallen upon my family.   
      Trust me, I'm not a 'woes me' kind of girl and am one to tend to see the glass as half full but there's just a point in your life where you have to say ENOUGH. I'm waving the red flag now, unfortunately, my surrender will have to wait a bit longer.
     My mom has been hospitalized with a long-term illness since March 7th- nearly two months of daily hospital visits and holding my breath whenever the phone rings. For the most part the journey has been emotionally taxing, not to mention one that took a toll on my job, my home-based business, my husband, my daughter, my friendships and even my health.  It's been a roller-coaster ride that I would very much NOT like to repeat in this lifetime; unfortunately it's getting worse. 
      I underwent my very first invasive surgery last week (the same day mom had a tracheotomy!)- had to have a cholecystectomy- a fancy medical term for gall bladder removal. Okay, so I wasn't even quite sure what a gall bladder did until it kicked me in the ass, er, rib cage a few weeks ago.  I was leaving the hospital after visiting with Mom and had the inclination to walk myself into the ER on my way to the parking lot, but that hospital wasn't my provider. After agonizing at home for a few hours, and a call to the advice nurse, we dropped Mini off at the grandparents and went to the ER.  The nurse called it on the spot- I guess fluffy (not so much anymore) white females of childbearing age present for gall bladder disease quite commonly. I thought I was going to give birth again. Quite painful. After a five hour stint, I was released with pain meds and a follow-up appointment for an ultrasound. The ultrasound did in fact determine that I had gall stones and would need a surgical follow-up. Fortunately, I wasn't harboring an infection and didn't need emergency surgery, but would have to watch my diet.
      This is something that is normally caused by a fat-laden diet, which mine is not. I am not a fast-food junkie- my idea of fast food is in fact Subway.... well there is that pregnancy craving of an occasional crumb cake donut- so what if I've had 32 months to do so.  I suspect that it was a rapid weight loss with the stress of my Mom's medical situation that caused my gall bladder to produce enough stones to fill up more than half of its capacity. Meanwhile, I've been off of my feet to recover and Anti-latte had to fill in my spot to go visit my mom, and his step-dad and take care of Mini and take care of me. I swear that I was as low maintenance as possible. Even after the second 11-hour ER visit (long story- I'm fine, but a bit pissed at said hospital's lack of ultrasound techs during the night shift). I'm recovering although a bit slower than I had hoped- I suspect an inordinate amount of stress has been a factor.  What's more stressful than a loved one being hospitalized and undergoing the knife yourself? Oh just a the fact that I hate CANCER.
    My father-in-law has been battling a very nasty bout of pneumonia, well, since my mom was hospitalized, actually, and an infection on top of that. He visited my mom at the hospital when she was on her deathbed and it prompted him to quit smoking cold turkey. Between being ill and the smoking cessation patch, he has been really miserable and after several weeks and numerous doctors appointments, he has been diagnosed with lung cancer.  After his initial diagnosis he had to wait for almost two weeks to meet with an oncologist to find out that it was Stage 4, and that is had spread to his liver, lymph nodes and more. As I write, Anti-latte and his mom and other family members are awaiting a visit from the hospital chaplain to discuss the plan to discharge his to hospice to live out his final days. We thought it would be months, but there's a chance that it could be just hours..... so fast. It was like he was playing with Mini one day and unable to walk the next. Now he is suffering and everyone sits by to support him.  It's torturous. I love this man and know how the family feels- the waiting and pleading is all too fresh in my memory from seven weeks ago. Now we just hope that with enough medical intervention, they can keep him comfortable. We'll surround him with all the love that he needs while we await him earning his wings.  I know that Mini will miss him dearly and we'll ensure that she won't forget the man who claims that she has his eyes.... (um, no, but it was always a source of laughs at family get togethers.)
     This presents an additional problem with child care as they were my main providers- we can wing it for the next week while I'm on medical leave and then have to figure out what to do next. Mini's grandmas' #1 priority should be caring for her husband... I think I have it figured out, but it's yet another stressor to deal with.
     And if that isn't quite enough to make anyone crazy, there's more.  We've had two other family members who had to make ER visits within the last 12 hours; and my mom was moved to another care facility that is a 40-minute drive away. It's a step-down rehab unit to prepare her for surgery, still a hospital, but the drive is going to be so very inconvenient. I used to work out that way and don't look forward to the daily commute, but we do what we have to do. It's just another wrinkle.... as usual, I'll iron it out..... your good vibes and prayers are much appreciated.
    

A Really Bad Dream

My Mom almost died two weeks ago. Seriously. And I've been living one of my worst nightmares since. A roller coaster ride that I'm happy to disembark from any day now....
      My mom came up to visit to help take care of my MiniLatte while her other Grandma goes on vacation. We had planned on her 'babysitting' for three of the five weekdays, being off on the Monday so she could recoup from the drive- trust me, it's a drive, and I knew Mini would put her through the ringer- in a good way of course. They had a fabulous time together, but Mom was exhausted; okay, so, I get that--- LOL.  Mom just wasn't quite herself. By Friday, she thought that the 'bug' that she was fighting had finally got the best of her and she was down for the count for four days. (Although, we did manage to fit a mani/pedi into the weekend) By Monday, I was really worried that this wasn't the average bug and told her that she was going to the clinic- even if it was kicking and screaming- tomorrow. And the clinic is where this horribly stressful past few weeks started to go downhill.....
    The cute little nurse took her history, listened to her lungs, etc and called in the doctor.... the doctor listens to her chest for two seconds and orders an EKG; once he read the results, he quickly moved us into the trauma room and called 911 to get her to the ER. Whaaaaat???  We just stared at each other trying to process what was going on; each one of us putting up a brave front.
She was loaded up into the ambulance to a local ER (I being local, went to the wrong one) and was eventually diagnosed with something called A-fib. Her resting heart rate was 177 BPM (normal range for her age is 90-123) in addition to a really high blood pressure. The hospital was having a difficult time trying to stabilize her so they admitted her for observation.
  The next day, Wednesday, we went to visit her in the hospital and she was stable yet uncomfortable and begging to go home. Some time during the middle of the night she became very agitated, her blood pressure dropped, heart rate went right back up, so they gave her a CT scan for a further work-up. The contrast dye caused her system to crash; her kidneys, liver and spleen all lost function; additionally tests determined that her mitral valve and tricuspud valve were in need of repair. By Friday afternoon, she was on life support in the Cardiac ICU and her condition was incredibly grave. The cardiologist told us that the next 48 hours were going to be tough.
   I was shocked and devastated; what the hell was happening? This was so sudden. It broke my heart to realize that I might lose my mom; it also pissed me off to no end because I thought the valve issue was something that might have been detected earlier if she would have had health insurance. I've not had the misfortune of losing someone close to me in my adult life and I wasn't prepared for that journey. I cannot even put into words my emotions. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or so long in my entire life.  Or prayed and hoped so hard or long either.
   Answering our prayers, on Sunday her kidneys were beginning to function again therefore narrowly avoiding dialysis. Liver and spleen started to function as well. Her body was healing well and by Tuesday (a week since arriving at the hospital), her breathing and feeding tubes were out and Mom was making us so proud and happy. And then she developed pneumonia.
   By Saturday, she was intubated again due to the pneumonia; pulmonary edema and some recurrence of the A-fib. That was actually a blessing as they were able to finally perform a cardiac catheterization to see how badly her heart was damaged; we had to wait for her kidneys to function fully for the test to ensure she would crash again. The good news is that the cardiologists determined that she wouldn't need any bypass surgery, just the aforementioned valve replacement/ repair.
  On Monday, she had developed a severe blood infection and her condition was once again critical.  On Thursday, we received word that tests came back positive for H1N1. She did have a 'bug' after all, which might have been what triggered the A-fib.  She also received a dose of a very powerful antibiotic called Vancomycin which caused an allergic reaction resulting in a head to toe rash. She was intubated for the third time this past Saturday; the bad valve is causing pulmonary edema. The only thing that will help this is to have open heart surgery.
   As if that isn't some scary shit right there. I can't even imagine how she is feeling about that. I'm petrified; but I have faith that she will feel like a new woman when she recovers, whenever that may be. Today was the first day that I didn't leave the hospital with a huge knot in my stomach wondering what the night would hold for her. Tomorrow marks three weeks that she has been in the hospital; I've been at her bedside every day to will her to get better; to watch over her. My wonderful husband has been my rock; comforting me and drying my tears and picking up the slack around the house and with MiniLatte.  So has my Dad, Step-mom and in-laws. So many wonderful people have offered help, but I'm not sure what help to take them up on.  We missed our wedding anniversary; we'll celebrate when we feel that there is much more to toast-  I'm looking forward to celebrating with both her and my love; Mom was my Maid of Honor on that day 10 years ago.