Dear Blog: There's a Reason You've Been Neglected

II haven't blogged for awhile; I haven't really had the inspiration, or the time. Life with a newborn is infinitely more time consuming- sometimes hard too- than I had ever imagined. I guess I really didn't think about it- it took some energy just to get through the pregnancy- I shuddered to think about how BabyW was actually going to come out or what to do after. So, here I am seven weeks past the birth day, and seven weeks un-pregnant. Your body just doesn't instantly "snap" back to normal. (Speaking of snap: bless my 19-y/o sisters' heart, she thought the vajay-jay just instantly snapped back to it's former size, er, shape.) The road to recovery has been a little bumpy- both physically and mentally. Personally, it *bleepin'* sucked; and I'm a bit p.o.'ed that no one every told me that the recovery was awful.... their stories stopped at labor and delivery. Albeit, every Mommy has a completely different experience (and I often stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, "la la la la" when they did try to tell me a birthing story)- mine was uncomplicated and pretty normal. And that is where uncomplicated ended.....


For the past few weeks, I haven't been my usual self... although that was suspect ever since we saw two pink lines.... hormones much? Prior to conceiving, I was pretty mellow and low-key; a social butterfly to say the least. I'd heard of the "baby blues" and wasn't surprised of my crying jags for the first few days thanks to raging preggo hormones. Problems sleeping (go figure- a newborn) and fatigue and minor anxiety are also pretty normal for as much as two weeks. Unfortunately, here it is over seven weeks later, and I am still having the same symptoms in addition to changes in appetite, no desire to participate in favorite activities (including Law & Order reruns or my beloved blog!) uncontrollable crying jags, overwhelming anxiety and feelings of inadequacy as a mother. I am part of the 25% of new moms that suffer from Postpartum Depression (PPD). And being so uncomfortable in my skin, and seeing Jason's concern, I decided to seek help. With that said, it's unfortunate that I am just a minority of those that have chosen to seek help for this (my counselor says that the rate of PPD is much higher, just differs in severity and cases reported). Mind you looking in the mirror and admitting that something was wrong has been very difficult- I've always been the strong one, the friend that people lean on during crises, and used to seeing the glass as half full. PPD has completely changed that and makes you feel like you are walking through life in a thick fog. But, I wanted to change that and to be able to really start enjoying my precious new daughter and what's left of my maternity leave.

I don't know if it started with the unexpectedly early, well, earlier than I thought (I always figured that she would arrive early, but not after only one day of maternity leave!) delivery; a labor that was uncharacteristically NOT like the one I had imagined; guilt over dismissing my poor mom from the hospital (we're past this...) or raging hormones; but I've felt off kilter since little Kiera arrived. And in all honesty: although I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, I did not love what I'd experienced so far of motherhood. And then I was feeling guilty for NOT loving motherhood; we've been trying for years for little Kiera and here she is..... what is wrong with me. I wanted to go back to work after week four because it was familiar and seemed much easier than my 'mom' job. I remember sitting in the bathroom (when Kiera is a bit fussy she calms down listening to the running water) with a crying baby in my lap, crying myself and thinking, "What am I doing? What did I get myself into?" And then I felt guilty. What the hell? Within the last year, six of my friends have had babies and they were great moms; they didn't have Postpartum Depression... why me? Why after sailing through 37 weeks, this? (The pregnancy or delivery isn't any indication of if someone is going to have PPD.)

After my six-week check-up with my OB, and a timely phone call from a friend who is a nurse in women's health whom both referred me to a Postpartum Support Group run by my health plan. It was comforting to listen to other women who were feeling very similar to me, including three moms' who had additional children. I didn't feel so alone or ashamed of my feelings and has also helped me to feel a bit more normal (I also shared my feelings with one of my friends and she admitted to having some PPD issues and not taking to motherhood instantly- but now she loves it and her beautiful daughter doesn't know any differently!)

I was prescribed Zoloft to begin breaking through the fog and taking the edge off of my anxiety, and my dear husband is very supportive. Whether it's just to call and say hi and tell me I'm doing a good job, or dragging me out of the house on what we call "Mommy Field Trips," to taking over when he gets home from work. Getting out is important- maybe just to Target or to get something to eat, but I'm out of the house. I'm going to be attending my first Moms' Group activity tomorrow night and am looking forward to that; having events to look forward to is an important part of the recovery process. I also look at my beautiful daughter- our little creation and miracle- and I feel better. It's not instantaneous though- I still have good days and bad days; fortunately the good have outnumbered the bad.

The other day when a Tweet (Twitter and Facebook are an endless source of entertainment for me during feedings!) led me to discover a very heart wrenching blog that made me have a revelation. In short, the family had a beautiful daughter that was born premature; fought to live and thrive and then suddenly died when she was around three. I felt so much empathy for that poor family; and appreciative that we have Kiera. I leaned over a picked up Kiera and hugged her tight and promised that I would work really hard to feel better. I'm not expecting an overnight miracle (she took nine plus months after all!) but just some progress and hopefully the bond between Kiera and I will grow even stronger!

Exactly What Did I Think Motherhood Was Going to Be Like???

It's 12:27 a.m. and I am sitting here staring at Kiera Mckenzie: she is just an angel sprawled out next to me, seemingly without a care in the world (except perhaps formula?).  I want to pick her up and smother her little face with kisses, but fear waking her as she wasn't a happy camper when she went to sleep.  (Tell me, what exactly DOES a 6 week old baby have to be upset about???) 

She has been in our lives for just 40 days; and in our hearts for five years; yet I STILL can't believe that she is mine.  Sometimes I am brought to tears looking at her- happy ones of course.  My life as I once knew it has been turned upside down, and will never ever be the same- from sleep-deprived (well, not entirely, but definately less than I was used to) nights; taking 30 minutes just to get out of the house to go to the grocery store; doing most things with one hand; and having worry fill every minute of your day.  The shift has taken some getting used to, but I don't mind!  

Maternalistic feelings are supposed to be an innate quality of most average women; I've been a 'fur-mom' to pets most of my adult life and am used to the responsibility of taking care of them, but oh my gosh, NOTHING can prepare you for THIS. I guess I really didn't think much about what being a parent was going to be like during my pregnancy.  I thought about diapers and formula, school plays, cute little outfits (read: never ending laundry!), nursery colors, but not the real nuts and bolts that really can't be described in a book or on a website.  It's a potpourri of mixed emotions and such: challenging yet rewarding; fun yet hard work; happy and sad.  The emotions have been the hardest thing to deal with.  For as much as I was excited to welcome Baby Kiera to our family, the guilt over the not-so-great emotions have been hard.

From the beginning, it was love at first site: I couldn't stop smiling the first 72 hours after having the baby.  It was once the initial euphoria wore off that it got hard- I'm hearing/ reading that this is completely normal.    We're so lucky to have a very, very good baby; but even so it has been a tiresome experience and there were quite a few times (mainly as a very frustrated mommy at 3 a.m with a fussy little girl in my lap) I was thinking, "What the heck am I doing? What did I get myself into?  How can I be thinking this after trying so many years to have a baby?"  And then Kiera looks up at me with her soulful little blue eyes and it melts my heart; and I take a deep breath and put the pacy back in her mouth (or is it mine?)!  I know that I would walk to the ends of the earth for my daughter (that's still weird to hear coming out of my mouth- I have a daughter!).  Our bond is growing stronger each day, and I relish her waking moments to see her personality beginning to form. 

She is very mellow and peaceful and generally doesn't get upset unless she hasn't hit the bottle in the last five minutes (this kid can EAT!) or is overly tired.  (That's like Mommy- I get grumpy when I am really tired or really hungry!)  She also loves, loves, loves her baths as well as the little massages and cuddles she gets at the end when she's all wrapped up in a cutesy little robe.  It also seems as if she is a sports fan: she loves to watch football and baseball- I think I heard a very faint "touchdown!" coming out of her mouth??  As long is it wasn't one of the OTHER words Daddy says when he watches sports!  Kiera also likes music, gazing at faces on the big screen TV and also loves to look at herself in her little baby mirrors.  I think that she might be a social butterfly too- recently she has taken up 'talking' to us from her bassinet- she lets out a little cry that sounds like she's saying, "Heeeey!"  It's super cute!  My only concern is that she is a 'morning person,' while I am not- that means that Daddy is going to get the morning shifts... but I do make my best effort to be "there" and in the moment for her if she wants to play!

It took a few weeks for it to click that it's an honor and privelidge to care for this little one-  this emotion and bond did NOT come instantly- amazingly enough this revelation came at one of the 3 a.m. feedings!  I wasn't comfortable at first, (I still feel like I am going to break or drop her!) but I'm finally settling into motherhood (it's helped that the hormones have settled down as well!) and with Jason, our little family is adjusting very well. I'm still dealing with some postpartum "baby blues" that range on the scale every day (if I get out of the house, I definately feel better) along with trying not to feel like I have to accomplish 30 chores everyday, and wanting to feel like I need to go to work to contribute to our household.  (I give you stay-at-home Moms props- this is a HARD job!)  I know that I will look back on this time in a few years (probably months) and wish that I would have relished them more.  For right now, I am just need to accept that I won't get downstairs to eat breakfast by noon (unless Jasons' home!) and that it's okay to have feelings all across the board.. good and bad.  I'm going to my first post-partum support group tomorrow, and I've recently met some people from local Mommy's groups that I will be joining, time permitting!  My main goal is to get through each day with a blissful baby that knows that she is loved down to her teeny tiny toes and of course to at least have taken a shower by noon!

Every Day is A "First"

Having a newborn means usually means that your days and nights are filled with hundreds of diaper changes, lack of sleep and trying to find an outfit  that doesn’t highlight the spit-up (for you AND the baby); it also means that you are encountering “firsts” on nearly a daily basis.

Encountering these ‘firsts’ are comparable to a roller coaster ride- 99.8% of the time, you’re laughing and filled with joy, and the other .2%, you’re crying right along with the baby. It’s amazing that five short weeks have gone by so quickly (trust me, the last time I looked at the clock, it was 10:30 a.m. and now it’s 1 p.m.?), but Kiera is a time consuming project. On what I spend so much time doing, I’m not quite so sure, but the days often fly by. I’m quite happy to sit and hold her while the dust bunnies dance in the corner of the entryway; I know she will only be this little once; and I especially am going to take advantage of the time that I can play with Kiera while she is awake! So what milestones of ‘firsts’ have we encountered so far?


The first time:


• You see them when they are born (even the first ultrasound pictures are pretty cool!)


• The first diaper change (ummmm, THANK YOU Jason for changing ALL of the diapers her first three days!- meaning I didn’t have to witness the “tar poo!”)


• She gets her First visitor (G’ma Karen!) at the hospital


• I saw her with her eyes open (I cried my own eyes out- hormones much??? And freaked out my poor little nephew…)


• MY First shower after going through childbirth (ha! Just thought I’d throw that one in for good measure- I never thought a shower would feel so awesome!)


• Hearing a little baby sneeze (she sneezes like me- often three or more in a row!)

• First car ride (home from the hospital) (about how long will Mommy quit riding in the back seat with the baby??)

• Going on a “Field Trip” (if the trip to the pediatrician didn’t count, then the trip to go see Christy did- every trip out with a newborn is an adventure)


• Taking her Shopping (we had to take her to Kohl’s to try to find clothes that fit her- being so tiny and between Preemie and Newborn sizes- was a guessing game!)


• Smile (um, no, I really don’t think it’s gas…. She’s a HAPPY baby!)


• You put them in a complete outfit that’s NOT a onesie- talk about a photo opp- this kid is going to be a fashionista for sure!

• Meeting the great grandparents

• Giving Her a Bath

• Hearing her "coo" and "talk"- I just wish that I could understand what she's saying (possibly, more formula please?)

And then there are the not-so-good moments:


• Mommy’s first day on her own (after grandma H went back home and Daddy went back to work)


• Witnessing spit-up pouring from every orifice on her face (I was so freaked out- it was at the hospital- and the nurse was good at calming BOTH of us down!)


• Total melt down (there have been a few, but it’s amazing what a paccie and a running shower can do for her temperament)


• Mommy’s first time venturing out on her own without Daddy’s help- it was to meet Daddy for lunch and took nearly an hour to make a 15 minute trip




And then of course them moments yet to come:


• First Halloween… then Thanksgiving, and Christmas!


• Solid Food


• Time Mommy has to go back to work after Maternity Leave- which one of us will have the separation anxiety??


• Playdate


• Tooth (um, teething, I’m sure can be considered in the not-so-good moments)


• Day of school


• Date


• Argument over bedtime, curfew… friends, boyfriends, skirts that are too short, No- you CANNOT have a tattoo


But my favorite first by far is realizing that it’s no longer a Me and You, but instead “us,” A FAMILY- that’s pretty dang cool and something that I can’t quite do justice describing and makes everything so worthwhile and your purpose in life so different!

Happy Birthday Leah!

I have been blessed: with great family, a precious new daughter (the main topic of the blog, of course!), and with great friends.... I have three really close girlfriends and one I especially consider near and dear to my heart.  I recently just shared one of the most important moments of my life with her- the birth of my daughter- and am really glad that she was there for moral support for both myself and Jason.  Leah has been my friend since childhood- our dads' were BFF's and natch, we were too.... we are so very different (and amazingly, my wonderful hubby is very much like her!) yet very similar too.  I hope that everyone is fortunate enough to have at least one great friend in their life like I have in Leah!  ( :

So, she turned 21 (again!) today.... and I wanted to wish her a very blogerific Happy, Happy Birthday! 

Three Weeks Already?????

Baby Kiera has been with us for 17 (umm.. now it's 22... blogging takes on a whole new timeline when you are the Mommy of a newborn!) whole days now... it feels like just 17 hours...the time has just rushed by... like they say: time flies when you're having fun!  Warp speed actually began when we were in the hospital- the 48 hours that we spent there with Baby Kiera was very surreal and special.  Every moment was amazing- and we actually relished the idea of being cocooned in there with just each other and our little baby and the occassional fan club member.  (The 'room service' and nurses attention and help wasn't too bad either.... although I could have done without the thrice daily hoo-hoo check!! LOL)  Being out of touch with every day life was a nice change of pace after the ordeal of labor and delivery and believe it or not, we barely turned on the TV- it was enough enterainment just to watch Kiera!  However, once it was time to go home- I was ready to go home... and that has been about the only time so far that has draaaaaged by!  ( :


The first day we had Kiera home, we actually had to take her to meet her pediatrician. Thank goodness Grandma H reminded us to take the DIAPER BAG!! (Mommy needs to make a 'leaving the house' checklist!) Her one day check up was fabulous, and even better- we love, love, love her pediatrician!  (Until she sticks the poor kid w/ a needle, I'm sure!)  Unfortunately, I left my beloved cell phone in one of the bathroom stalls and it disappeared with some 'lucky' (and dishonest- karma is a beyotch) individual (my mom turns over $1000 and someone won't turn in a phone?).... anyways, we also picked up two more bases for the travel system at a consignment store for a steal- only $15 each and then the donut store next door (no, cravings do NOT end once you have the baby- ha!).  (As for the cell phone? Well "Daddy" was nice enough to buy "Mommy" an iPhone for my 'push' present- yay!)

Our days and nights have been filled with feedings, diaper changes (and if you are Daddy- multiple ones at a time- Kiera has a way of doing her duty in the middle of changes with him!), trying to pick up the house, and a constant parade of visitors and fortunately even sleep!  Kiera manages to sleep in about four hour chunks through the night, and we alternate getting up with her, so neither of us is completely sleep deprived. 

We are adjusting more and more every day to life with an infant; and for new parents we aren't doing so badly. I read in one of the six or so books on "The First Year" that as long as the house is still standing and the baby is breathing, is fed and changed, you are doing okay. Not only is the house still standing, but it is semi- clean (as of today, and my dear, dear step-momster has even offered up her cleaning lady once a month to help out- bless her!), and Jason and I are also fed, changed and breathing- so we're batting 1,000! It has certainly helped that we have had a third set hands around from either my Mom or another family member nearly every day.... I highly recommend that any new parent willingly and gratefully accepts any offer of help from anyone kind enough to do so.

We are also fortunate that she is a very, very good baby- mellow and happy and not very fussy... but she does like her food (she gets that from Daddy) and eats like a champ,,. and eats... and eats.  (She's up to about 3.5 oz at a feeding)  We also feel blessed that she doesn't mind her car seat, and likes baths too!  Lucky.  That's about the way to describe it!  Lucky that we have her, and each other, and people who love all of us!