To My Heart on your Fourth Birthday

I remember the day that I found out that we were going to have you like it was yesterday; and the day that you were born was the very best day of my life hands down. Your Daddy and I tried for nearly five years to have you- it was not an easy road to travel, but oh so worth it since you were the end result. I can’t even begin to tell you how you have changed my life and it is all for the better.  Being a Mom makes me want to be a better person and being YOUR Mom is the most fulfilling and rewarding job ever. I wake up to your precious smiling face and thank God for you. I can't ever put into words how much you mean to us.  But please know that it is A LOT when serving you your milk in your favorite princess sippy trumps pressing the brew button on the Keurig.

The past year has held quite a few challenges but so many wonderful moments and memories with you outshine the bad.  You make a great day amazing and a bad day better, especially when you wrap your little arms around my neck and tell me that you missed me.  How blessed am I?

Although a healthy growing girl, we've still had our share of doctors visits this year- I wish to not repeat them, especially not your spinal tap when you had a weird virus. Worst Mom moment so far- but you were charming and brave and only cried a bit and had the ENTIRE staff trying to hunt you down princess stickers after the procedure. You may not have any idea that you can have perfect strangers eating out of the palm of your hand, but after watching you blossom, I completely understand.  Might I add that you are an amazing dose of medicine- both Daddy and I ended up in the hospital at different times and you were the bright spot that helped us feel better.  How so much empathy can come out of a little person is beyond me.  You tell us not to be sad when you see us cry and to be brave when you think something is going to hurt us and although we know it to be, hearing your angelic little voice saying those things is simultaneously heart wrenching and comforting.  You are so amazingly smart and resilient, flexible and easy going and empathetic and a light to any darkness. 

You started PreK (and Vacation Bible School) this year and are well on your way to being Valedictorian and Homecoming Queen, I’m sure. You waltz into the place like you own it (with the tuition we pay, we should….) and I love to hear about your day when I pick you up. The things that you learn (both good and bad) are impressive. I know I am biased but how can I not be proud of you when you point out an octagon or write your name (you’re a lefty, by the way- you can thank your BopPop and Grandma Helen for that) in better handwriting than Daddy.  Your teacher’s name is Ms. Miriam and she too has fallen in love with you.  I really can’t blame her.

You will find out one day that a Mommy loves her child unconditionally but you my dear, are something special.  You almost glow.  You are amazing but not perfect, and you shouldn't be- make mistakes, its how we learn and grow- but please, please,please stay out of my nail polish; play dough goes back into the container with lids ON (ask me some day how you convinced your Grandma K to eat it like a cookie) and stickers and permanent marker is meant for paper and only paper. (Stickers have shown up mysteriously in some crazy places…. Must be the dogs)

I’m not the perfect mom but will be the BEST mom that I can be to you and help guide you in the BEST life that we can provide for you. I will make mistakes, and I will lose my patience and even growl at you when I know that I shouldn't and I will always remind you that I do love you and apologize when I am truly in the wrong. Never be afraid to say you’re sorry and really mean it.  Don’t ever be afraid to give an honest compliment (and continue to give them with reckless abandon like you already do- you probably really made the lady in the grocery store with the pretty dress’ day) and don’t be afraid to love and tell someone you love them.  Tell your best girl friends, your boyfriend (gasp, but I know its coming- you will be a heart breaker), your dog and cat and your family.  Love is free and freeing.  Love also hurts, but it teaches us to be better, stronger and to even love harder.

I hope your passion never fades. Today it is for your Princess collection (of all sizes, materials and conditions (please forgive the dogs for altering Aurora’s dress) pizza and girly-girl dresses, someday it will be shoes and purses (Your dad will roll his eyes and complain when you own 30 pairs of flip flops but it will be out of love- just trust me on this one.) But if you happen to find a zest for something that is completely off the wall- so be it- just make sure that your favorite ‘things’ are yours and not something that you are trying to do or like to impress someone. (As much as I love your Daddy, I will never be a Laker fan, but he knew that going in…. in fact we spent our first day of wedded bliss at a basketball game of both of our favorite teams…. That was over 11 years ago) Your hobbies, likes and dislikes will make you interesting and uniquely YOU.

Speaking of fervor and zest, you've been planning your birthday party since the day after you turned three- it will be your dream Ariel the Mermaid party although scaled down a bit. You get the love of entertaining from me (I’m Sorry and You’re Welcome)- just remember to always be a gracious host and take time away from making the food and cleaning up the mess to enjoy the moment with the people that are there- you never know when they won’t be.  I hope the memories of your fourth birthday will be wonderful. I’m going to fill up your playroom with balloons and decorate the house even though your party isn’t until next week (and not even here, might I add)- balloons in your room will be our birthday tradition.  I am even going to see if Avery the Elf can make a visit from the North Pole to pop in and say hello.

Thank you for making the last 1,461 days the best in my life- I look forward to experiencing the memories that Year Four has in store for us.  We love you so very much Baby Girl.  Happy Birthday.

So, I Got a New "Job"......

Today is day three of my new job. Like most employees experience at their first week of work, it’s hard to decide what to wear, it’s anxiety-ridden, stressful and I don’t really get to talk to my boss or co-workers until the end of the day. My new job, for the time being, is Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM).
      If you do the math, the time on “the job” might not be adding up; after all MiniMe is actually 3-1/2. It’s just that last Friday was the final day at a job that I’ve held for a quarter of my life. I started there just a few days after graduating from college and have worked there for the past 11 years; and now here I am. This change wasn’t a decision that I made on my own, I’ve joined the ranks of many Americans who have been downsized- my position was eliminated.
      I am terribly sad about that chapter of my life ending. When you hear people talk about loving their jobs, well, I was one of them. I mean I really, really, really LOVED my job, it was a huge part of who I was. I put every ounce of effort into it and my reward was…. Well, this and it truly is bittersweet.
Before I actually had MiniMe, we didn’t even discuss me staying home with her- I wanted to work, in fact I needed to work- not just for the money, but for the self-fulfillment and personal enrichment. I felt like a well-rounded person working AND being a mom (yet, I always tried to find better work/life balance- go figure?!!!?) We also were blessed that our arrangements for daycare were not only free, but with Anti-Latte’s mom, so Mini was in the loving care of her grandma every day. And this, is why I didn’t feel guilty for working- well, once or twice when she was sick… but how lucky were we?
      She will still spend many days at her grandma’s house for several reasons- she gets to see her cousins every other day, I still have some other commitments that will necessitate daycare as well as the fact that Grandma K is a recent widow and MiniMe is a great diversion and excellent therapy. I also don’t want to completely interrupt her schedule should I be fortunate enough to find my next wonderful job sooner rather than later. Also, we will be enrolling her into pre-school this Spring. Yeah, you’re thinking, “She’s not a real SAHM.” You’re right; I have no clue what I am. I’m stuck in emotional limbo of being completely devastated about being laid off to feeling some excitement to getting to spend more time with my family. How cool is it that for the first time since I was 12, I don’t have a work commitment? How sad is it that I don’t have a work commitment? How awesome is it that I can stay at home with my child? How freaked out am I about staying home with my child? Will I get bored? Will we all still like each other at the end of the day? (Oh, c’mon- you’ve experienced those weekends where you couldn’t wait to get back to the office!) What will I wear? No, seriously. I walked into my closet over the weekend and broke into hysterics upon seeing my work wardrobe. I think I have more pajamas than I do casual clothes (and I refuse to venture out of the house, on purpose, in my pajamas). So, I wore yoga pants, and went to the gym twice in the past two days-- this coming from someone who only set foot in the gym twice all of last year. It’s something that I CAN control at this point so I’m relishing it.
      The loss of a job feels like a death- and I’ve gone through most of the stages of grieving over it, not in order and I'm sure I'm not done with it. It is extremely personal. A part of me is gone now and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve started with a very lofty to-do list- things that I’ve always wanted to get ‘around to,’ organizing the CD collection (seriously- I want them all on iTunes so I can pitch the clutter), watching 68 64 episodes of “The Closer” on my DVR; you know, really important things.
        I’ve done most of the work to get ahead of this- my resume is so polished (so explain, why isn’t anyone calling!?) as is my LinkedIn profile, I’ve already applied for unemployment insurance (this will be interesting!) and I’m starting to network. I very much want to take my wonderful husband’s advice and try to enjoy this time, it’s just weird. Not having to go in to an office on any given week day. That’s one thing on my list though- organizing my office- creating an organized nice one to ‘commute’ to when I’m job hunting or working on my direct sales business (who knows! That’s a great focus point too- did you know that there are many women in this country who make six figures work in direct sales?- watch me!) There will be good days- those packed with enough errands and appointments to keep me busy; and then those days where the thought of my ‘former’ life will bring me to instant tears. Many benefits of being out of work- less money for gas or lunches on the go, dealing with commuter traffic, dry cleaning bills, great coffee from my Keurig; and then the downfall- my boss is super demanding- but when she throws those grubby little hands around my neck and says, “I love you Mommy!” it brings me back to reality and I take a deep breath and think that this might be the best job ever.

Controlling What You Can...

I saw a Facebook post today about a little girl who died due to complications from  Gaucher disease. I didn't know her, but as a fellow mother, I shed a tear for little Addy and walked over to my daughter to give her a great big hug.

The thought of losing my child is my worst nightmare and I get choked up just thinking about it, ( yet I still growled at her for creating a complete disaster in 30 seconds flat with a deck of playing cards and tissue paper... And felt like an ass.) You can't control death, you can't control the economy, guns, who's elected president, gas prices, ever increasing taxes and comparatively shrinking paychecks, jobs, your friends.... many many things are out of direct control. 2012 was a long, emotional lesson on that for my family; one that will NOT (if I have any control!!) be repeated in the near future.

I've learned that you cannot control those external events. You can, however control your immediate surroundings, your support circle and your reaction to those. While other factors in life are spinning out of control focusing on those few things that you CAN control is cathartic. With each step you take in finding order in the chaos- just washing the dishes and having a clean counter in the midst of being emotionally spent helps you focus on a small achievement and a sense of order. Sometimes it feels like everything is too overwhelming.... It probably is, but life could always be worse. I'm not trying to be morose, just realistic.

When you're miserable because of family health problems and consequently death, you have to take a minute to appreciate the little girl growing up in front of you, and reflecting on special memories of those we've lost. When you've been completely shafted in another aspect of your life, get pissed off, angry and hurt. There is a grieving process for it all. But let that run its course and formulate a plan to get over it, learn and laugh again. It's okay to let life events drain you emotionally dry but not worth giving up completely... Stand up, dust yourself off and start focusing on what you CAN control: taking charge of your health, organizing your sock drawer, plan your menus, call a very funny friend, toast to tomorrow (with a glass or two of wine- NOT the entire jug!)

Life happens- sometimes it's shitty, most of the time it's good but the true test is how you control your reaction and your plan. Look back to what happened six months ago, six years ago and where you've grown from there. The discomfort was temporary (in theory!) and the lesson still remains.

I learned last year that life is TOO EFFING SHORT to feud, hold grudges, to not apologize and you can't say 'I love you' enough. People and memories are precious and irreplaceable-everything else is.  I can still call my Mom and tell her I'm thinking of her, while a friend of mine cannot. I can't relate but I empathize and offer my support when I remember that she had a shitty year too. It's a club we don't really want to be in, and when we get through those 12 Steps we can 'sponsor' friends having a shitty time and help them focus on small blessings until life returns to a somewhat normal state. And then I hear my MiniMe shuffling down the hallway debating on which Princess has THE prettiest dress,and it makes me smile and gives me the strength to conquer tomorrow one minute at a time.

Happy 3rd Birthday MiniLatte!!!!

My Dear Daughter;

This past weekend we were surrounded by your family and friends that love you to help celebrate the beginning of your third year of life. I was honored by their presence and am always in awe of the amount of people whose lives you have touched at such a young age.

Our family has been going through so much this year with serious health issues, loved ones passing- including the four-legged type, general stress and just life. Yet the one bright spot in all of this is YOU. How can a little one such as you make such an impression? With infectious giggles, a 10,000 mega watt smile, kind words and a hug- that’s how. I’d love to be able to take 100% credit for this but half of that also goes to your Daddy and then we also have to share some of that with the rest of the village that helps to raise you.  But you ultimately are the one who processes what we share with you and then constantly amaze us with your humor, wit and intelligence.  I know that you are thinking that’s what all parents have to say about their kids, but I have to disagree. You really are the best daughter anyone could ever hope for- and you are only THREE. I cannot wait to see what you do with the rest of your life with all of that charm! (that, you get from ME!)

To say that all of us rely on you for our happiness means that you have a mighty big job- one that you are completely oblivious to, yet you perform it so well.  Before you came earth side, I had no idea what being a mom was going to be like. I thought mostly about sleepless nights, diaper duty, cleaning up puke from my work clothes, and trying not to get a headache when you cried incessantly. And that was after the labor and delivery that I was PETRIFIED of.  Wow, could I have been more wrong.  What I didn’t realize was the immense amount of love that I would have for you the second that you were born (I won’t even hold it against you that I didn’t have time for an epidural) and that I would stand in front of a train for you.

 I think that I’ve had more sleepless nights in college and now, but not because of you, just because of life and trying to balance everything.  Diaper duty ended a few months ago- but I have to admit that your Daddy changed way more Huggies than I did however, I don’t miss those days.  (Well, just a little when I had time to gaze into your beautiful copper eyes and tickle your little feet…. Changing time was really a bonding time.  You weren’t a squirmy girl. And in fact, you were very easy going about the state of your diaper.) You didn’t really spit up on my clothes- you were a clean girl; however, I can do without your very trigger-happy gag reflex; I have cleaned up my fair share of toddler ‘spit out’ (as you call it) rather than baby regurg. And you aren’t a crier, never was. Such an easy going, sweet girl. Thank you for giving me a swift kick in the ass and changing my perception of motherhood.  (Your Grandma Linda was right that God wasn’t going to give me more than I can handle…. Well, with you, yes; with all the other shit, not so much!)  Even with labor- it was over so quick…. But, my dear, it isn’t true what they say, I haven’t forgotten the pain of the delivery- that’s another story. But you were worth every single little 45 second increment; and worth the four-year plus wait that it took to have you.

I can write forever and rave about your sweet personality and marvel at the stuff that comes out of your mouth.  It’s totally adorable (that might change in 13 years, but I’ll always have this to look back upon) and entertaining.  I’m not sure how you got to be so smart- you keep us on our toes, but your comprehension also makes our life easier.  On that note, don’t ever be afraid to be an intelligent woman.  Your beauty will get you noticed but your intelligence will help you accomplish whatever you want. Don’t be afraid to be successful.  Today you’re tackling 100-piece Princess puzzles and learning how to count in Spanish; tomorrow it will be quadratic equations and SAT vocabulary.  (Do they still give you 200 points for spelling your name correctly?)

You also love people. People love you.  From Nick at your swim school; your little friends;  to the grocery store clerks, you will dazzle them with your sqwunchy smile. These people right now are nice; not everyone is.  We will teach you how to differentiate between good, honest people and to listen to your intuition if you think someone is icky. I wish that I could shield you from the crap, but I won’t always be able to completely (but not from lack of trying!) but we will teach you how to overcome obstacles and adversity with grace and confidence and how to have a support team around to help you as life won’t always be easy.

Trust me, these past six months- outside of this house- have been hell on earth. Emotionally I am done, but I see you and I am reenergized. You give me hope on what the future holds for us. I love watching you experience things for the first time- a carousel ride, trick-or-treating, fireworks, the petting zoo, a piñata, new food- it’s really cool.  And then you also have gotten to see sadness when your Grandpa Jerry died and Grandma Helen was very, very sick. Everybody cried…. You gave us hugs and kisses and asked us if we felt better.  I’m glad we have been honest about our feelings and shared with you that it’s a part of life and doesn’t have anything to do with you.  You have become so empathetic and caring.  Perhaps not ideal to have to share this much sorrow with a toddler, but it’s real life.  I think it helps you to see that sadness doesn’t last forever and it’s okay to smile behind the tears. Thank you for being our little ball of therapy!

See, I could go on and on about all of the reasons why I love you so much. There are 400 million of them, if not more.  I promise you that will never change- except to grow exponentially more. All I ask is that you be true to yourself, that you are kind and honest, you use your manners and help those less fortunate than you. Daddy and I will in turn protect you as best as we can, provide for you opportunities for you to grow and love you unconditionally.  You may not always ‘like’ us, but know that we will always have your back. (When you don’t like us, it’s time to call in the grandparents….)

I want to close out by simply thanking you for making me a better person.  I feel more, love more, hope more and smile more because of you. 

With All My Love,

Mommy

 

A Message from a Funeral:

I went to a funeral yesterday. I’d only met her twice- briefly- but she is the mom of a work colleague that I very much admire. She was 84-years young, and did have some health issues, but you never want to see someone in your life lose a loved one, or even lose a loved one yourself. This was my third funeral since February.  Two for people I didn’t actually know, and one for my father-in-law. The one similarity of all of them is that they were loved greatly by many people.

My father-in-law, JerrellRay passed away on April 28^th after a very brief, yet shitty fight with lung cancer. Well, all cancer is shitty, but when it takes you away from your family only 13 days after diagnoses, it’s really, really shitty. He was a smoker. He probably had cancer for awhile. We’re glad that the cancer was not diagnosed any earlier so that the last years of his life were lived exactly as he wanted and not being even more ill from chemo and medications. He was a daily part of MiniLatte’s life and she asks about him often even though she knows Grandpa Jerry is in heaven watching over us.  Jerry’s death actually seemed to bring more life to the family- we fostered relationships with his four daughters over the weeks of his memorial and inurnment and mended a relationship that shouldn’t have needed it as well.

This whole thing happened in the middle of my mom’s hospitalization, post-surgery for me and the day before my birthday. I’ll have more birthdays….. the stress hastened my healing and my village has helped in taking care of mom and in turn, me. People that love me, MiniLatte and AntiLatte. I couldn’t have done it without them.  That’s one of the reasons why I went to funerals of people that I really didn’t know…. your actions speak so loudly during difficult times and that goes both ways.  There were people that I thought would be there for us that weren’t and then those, that anticipated our needs and took care of us.

Funerals also make you appreciate what you have. I came home and hugged my little girl a bit tighter, told my love 143, and gave my mom a kiss and told her that I love her and am so thankful and happy that she is such a fighter.  A detour to see my failing 93 year-old grandfather and my wonderful dad made for a long day, but an important part of it nonetheless. I’ve made a promise to myself that I would make sure to tell those that I love exactly that more often. There are many, so it will take awhile, but it will be worth it. I don’t want to have any “I wish I would have told them” anymore…..