Today is day three of my new job. Like most employees experience at their first week of work, it’s hard to decide what to wear, it’s anxiety-ridden, stressful and I don’t really get to talk to my boss or co-workers until the end of the day. My new job, for the time being, is Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM).
If you do the math, the time on “the job” might not be adding up; after all MiniMe is actually 3-1/2. It’s just that last Friday was the final day at a job that I’ve held for a quarter of my life. I started there just a few days after graduating from college and have worked there for the past 11 years; and now here I am. This change wasn’t a decision that I made on my own, I’ve joined the ranks of many Americans who have been downsized- my position was eliminated.
I am terribly sad about that chapter of my life ending. When you hear people talk about loving their jobs, well, I was one of them. I mean I really, really, really LOVED my job, it was a huge part of who I was. I put every ounce of effort into it and my reward was…. Well, this and it truly is bittersweet.
Before I actually had MiniMe, we didn’t even discuss me staying home with her- I wanted to work, in fact I needed to work- not just for the money, but for the self-fulfillment and personal enrichment. I felt like a well-rounded person working AND being a mom (yet, I always tried to find better work/life balance- go figure?!!!?) We also were blessed that our arrangements for daycare were not only free, but with Anti-Latte’s mom, so Mini was in the loving care of her grandma every day. And this, is why I didn’t feel guilty for working- well, once or twice when she was sick… but how lucky were we?
She will still spend many days at her grandma’s house for several reasons- she gets to see her cousins every other day, I still have some other commitments that will necessitate daycare as well as the fact that Grandma K is a recent widow and MiniMe is a great diversion and excellent therapy. I also don’t want to completely interrupt her schedule should I be fortunate enough to find my next wonderful job sooner rather than later. Also, we will be enrolling her into pre-school this Spring.
Yeah, you’re thinking, “She’s not a real SAHM.” You’re right; I have no clue what I am. I’m stuck in emotional limbo of being completely devastated about being laid off to feeling some excitement to getting to spend more time with my family. How cool is it that for the first time since I was 12, I don’t have a work commitment? How sad is it that I don’t have a work commitment? How awesome is it that I can stay at home with my child? How freaked out am I about staying home with my child? Will I get bored? Will we all still like each other at the end of the day? (Oh, c’mon- you’ve experienced those weekends where you couldn’t wait to get back to the office!) What will I wear? No, seriously. I walked into my closet over the weekend and broke into hysterics upon seeing my work wardrobe. I think I have more pajamas than I do casual clothes (and I refuse to venture out of the house, on purpose, in my pajamas). So, I wore yoga pants, and went to the gym twice in the past two days-- this coming from someone who only set foot in the gym twice all of last year. It’s something that I CAN control at this point so I’m relishing it.
The loss of a job feels like a death- and I’ve gone through most of the stages of grieving over it, not in order and I'm sure I'm not done with it. It is extremely personal. A part of me is gone now and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve started with a very lofty to-do list- things that I’ve always wanted to get ‘around to,’ organizing the CD collection (seriously- I want them all on iTunes so I can pitch the clutter), watching 68 64 episodes of “The Closer” on my DVR; you know, really important things.
I’ve done most of the work to get ahead of this- my resume is so polished (so explain, why isn’t anyone calling!?) as is my LinkedIn profile, I’ve already applied for unemployment insurance (this will be interesting!) and I’m starting to network. I very much want to take my wonderful husband’s advice and try to enjoy this time, it’s just weird. Not having to go in to an office on any given week day. That’s one thing on my list though- organizing my office- creating an organized nice one to ‘commute’ to when I’m job hunting or working on my direct sales business (who knows! That’s a great focus point too- did you know that there are many women in this country who make six figures work in direct sales?- watch me!)
There will be good days- those packed with enough errands and appointments to keep me busy; and then those days where the thought of my ‘former’ life will bring me to instant tears. Many benefits of being out of work- less money for gas or lunches on the go, dealing with commuter traffic, dry cleaning bills, great coffee from my Keurig; and then the downfall- my boss is super demanding- but when she throws those grubby little hands around my neck and says, “I love you Mommy!” it brings me back to reality and I take a deep breath and think that this might be the best job ever.
LatteLovinMommy (perhaps me?) is suffering from a blog-dentity crisis. Unlike many of the blogs I peruse, I'm just a plain little Mommy-written blog without a specialty topic. I originally started this when I was pregnant and looking for a way to vent or share my experience without feeling like I was boring whomever I was talking to. I'm a Jill of Many Trades but not a master of anything specific- that's good and bad of course. I could take the time to try to become an expert, but why try and reinvent the wheel when there's so many other blogs out there to capture readers' attention? I'm just me- trying to be the best Mommy I can to my sweet girl while maintaining a certain level of sanity in all the other areas of my life that need attention- work, my business, being a wife, maintaining friendships, being a good steward of our home and money. I'm not a natural-living parent; I love my coupons and saving money, but I'm not about to spend an extra 25 hours on top of my already busy life honing a hobby that others blog so well about already; I'm crafty, but despite my wonderful shelves of raw materials, I can't say that I've broken out the Cricut or beads in a really, really long time, and although mildly funny, I'm not slated for a stand-up show of my own anytime in the near future and thankfully, we are blessed with a healthy family and I don't have to turn to my blog to deal with the pain of having a special needs or angel child. And of course, there's only one toddler- not multiples that make my head spin just thinking about!
So my point is kind of pointless- I want to have a wonderful blog for devoted followers (all three of you) to read, but I'm not sure where to go from here? Do you take the time to read worthy blogs about nothing in particular other than it's written by the caffeine-driven Mommy of a really cute almost-two-year-old? Is it okay to have a random, diverse blog? I still use this as an outlet and hobby and not a formal 'job;' I fear that it would be even more neglected (sniff, sniff) if I had to work on it and not wanted to. What draws you to a blog?
I'm going to keep plugging away at my randomness- the writing keeps my mind sharp and is somewhat of a creative outlet until I can actually start MiniLatte's newborn baby book.....
Until Next Time,
Carol
How do y'all do it? How can you possibly stay sane and feel like you are giving 100% to everything that you do? Life was hectic before Baby Kiera blessed her with our pressence; and it's still the same, but I just want to make time stop so that I can spend every waking moment focused on her and spending quality time with the one thing in my life that matters most.
I feel torn; I feel torn between the "professional" me- trying to be a good employee, and a good business-owner with my direct sales business; and then the "personal" me- a loving mommy; a good wife; a loyal friend- there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to accomplish things perfectly. I asked a dear friend who has a few kids and works part-time how she does it and she says that the best advice she ever got when she had her first baby was to aim for 'good enough' and move on. Now, that's some very practical adivce to ensure that I really don't go insane! However, my history of following good advice has not always been on target.
And my goal this year to be an awesome blogger? Um.... no the last post wasn't really dated a month ago....not because I don't have anything to say (I'm sure Jason is thinking to himself, "that will be the day!") or Kiera hasn't done anything fabulous; it's just trying to find the time to write a quality blog entry, or actually upload the pictures that I've taken and put them to some enlightening words!
There are so many things in addition to bloging that I have to do on my 'to-do' list- actually that has been my first step in helping to manage my craziness is pulling out the old planner. As much as I *heart* my trusty iPhone, there is so much benefit to having my life in a little book that I can look at even if I have a dead battery. I even found a new planner when I went to Tar-shay to pick up the inserts... go figure: get two new planners for a little over $10 or one set of inserts for $15! So far, the organization thing is helping a bit.... but there is a still alot to be desired- sometimes I take a look at that lengthy list, and toss the planner in the corner.....
... and sweep up little Kiera in my arms and mentally cross of the A1 item on today's page: spend quality time with my daughter. This isn't good enough... it's heaven....
23 is a memorable number for me- the great Michael Jordan wore #23; the earth is on a 23 degree angle; "W" is the 23rd letter of the alphabet (our last name); we both contributed 23 chromosomes to our darling daughter; and one of the main reasons that I quite often play that number in roulette is that March 23rd is our wedding anniversary. It has nothing to do with the crappy movie starring Jim Carrey- ugh- 95 minutes of my life I will never get back. And the 23rd is now going to be remembered as the first day that I had to rejoin the working world and leave my sweet baby girl all day. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people do it every day.
But I had no idea that it would suck so much. Not my job, but having to not be with Kiera all day. I tried my best to not make it harder and counted down the minutes (not usually a clockwatcher!) until I got to leave and rush home to pick her up. I held out as long as I could (early afternoon) to call and check on her; Jason didn't- he called in the morning. The morning exit strategy is as painless for me as I could hope as Jason is dropping Kiera off at his mom's house this week. That means that I'm still too busy getting ready so the sendoff is quick and without much fanfare. I still cried....
Don't get me wrong- I'm thrilled that little Kiera is in such great hands for daycare during the upcoming weeks by spending time with all of her grandparents- how lucky is that? But still, I'm totally jealous as I WANT to be with her. (Do you think I can sneak her into the office discreetly tucked into my favorite Coach bag???) I know that it is much harder for me than it is for her. As long as she is fed her moo-juice and is being pampered (literally!) she's a happy camper. Me, on the other hand is at work, wishing that I could change the Pampers. In the early weeks, I couldn't wait to go back to work; and in all honesty I have to say that it is nice to get up, get dressed and go to work and feel accomplished. But I miss that angelic little face smiling at me all day- I miss feeling needed by this incredible little person. Such conflict!
I know that it will get better and the three of us will adapt to a little routine and our lives will settle into some pattern of normalcy. I'm looking forward to seeing what those normal days look like, but that certainly won't be until after we get through the holidays, I'm sure! Now I just look forward to 4 o'clock- when I can go home and see my baby girl. She is a great reason to work and to have the opportunity to spoil her to no end. She is my reason for everything.
At least I had a nice little surprise waiting for me when I got back:
(Thanks Erika!!!) ( :
(The past week was so very, very busy…. I started writing a blog post on Monday and it still sits six days later. I’m not back to work yet, so I can only hope that this beloved blog doesn’t get too neglected.)
Monday marked a definite first for this new Mommy. I participated in a vendor fair for most of the day and left Baby Kiera to spend some quality time with Gramma Linda and Grampy Don. So, Mommy had the first taste of working and spent nearly eight whole hours without her baby. Separated for a lengthy amount of time- Traumatic, I say!
The event kept me busy all day so I didn’t really have time to think about anything but what I was doing at that particular moment. However, on the drive over to my Dad’s to pick up my daughter from her very first day of ‘daycare,’ I was so excited to see her and then it hit me how hard it is going to be when I return to the working world in just one short week. It will definitely be very hard but an unfortunate reality of the working mom.
I never had any interest in being a permanent ‘stay-at-home’ mom before having Kiera- I don’t know that I do even now. I’m not saying that either the working mom or stay-at-home mom is best or right. Every family has to do what is right for them both financially and emotionally. It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve started to really enjoy this ‘mom thing’ and I’ve been having a blast getting to know my precious little angel- especially the mornings as they are the best! (For any new mommies reading this- what you are experiencing this very moment is hard to comprehend, but savor the moment and enjoy it as much as you can. You’ll be like me and look back and think it wasn’t so bad- just very different.) So the thought of returning to work after 14 weeks is bittersweet. For me, the financial and emotional aren’t matching up at this exact time as we can’t afford to be a one-income family with our nice house payment! Not to mention, being a full-time stay-at-home mom (SAHM) is a very difficult job….. harder than my regular day job for sure. Anyone that thinks that SAHM’s sit around and watch TV all day has no idea that sitting generally isn’t part of the equation.
I’ve had the opportunity to not have to worry about the alarm clock while on leave, but any inkling of ‘sleeping in’ is based purely on Kiera’s time schedule and not mine- and also that is uninterrupted sleep thanks to early morning feedings. The TV is on more for background noise that for me to catch up on the steamy soap operas or afternoon talkshows. (There are so many hours of recordings of my fave programs baglogged on the DVR that it isn’t even funny.) Even catching up on laundry is challenging- did you know that a baby goes through a minimum of three outfits a day? Trust me- the cutest outfits are the perfect targets for a lava-like flow of moo-juice.
I’ve been a Project Manager at a major real estate company- a job that I love- for almost eight years. I am also very, very fortunate to have a job in today’s economy. It would be nice to have the best of both worlds and spend my mornings with Kiera and then go to work say around noonish! Conflicted for sure, but good in the long run. I don’t want to feel guilty for going to work every day- I’m good at what I do, enjoy it very much and want to be able to provide for my family. If we were in a situation where I didn't have to work I don’t even know if I would jump on the opportunity to stay home all of the time. I think that working families have great relationships- it just takes some juggling to ensure that life goes as smoothly as possible.
It will be good for me to get on a schedule and go back to work. A big emphasis on schedule. I kind of miss having a to-do list that has something else added to it besides 1) Change Diaper 2) Feed Baby 3) Rinse and Repeat. Especially now that I am starting to get the hang of all of the nuances of motherhood and can actually multi-task again! (I’m going to keep this in mind when I have one of those crazy-ass days at work!)
On Wednesday, I had to try to conform to a schedule as I had to work again for a few hours to teach a class. Fortunately it was a holiday for Jason so that we didn’t have to worry about daycare (which was also kind of a bummer- he was off and I had to work!) It was nice to get back to something that was very controllable and familiar (not like parenting- all bets are off). I was euphoric driving home, excited about a great day at work, but certainly looking forward to seeing my daughter that I missed so much. (And you bet that I took the opportunity to show her off during my class- what proud Mommy wouldn’t?) Being away made me appreciate her so much more; and you have no idea how wonderful that it was to have a two-way adult conversation. We’ll see what I think of this in a few weeks…. it will be interesting to see how well I can adjust to the challenge of being a working mom. Now I just get to add another title to my working one: Taxi-Driver/ Chief-Bottle-Washer/ Laundress/ Maid/ Pillow and of course, my favorite honor: Mommy!
