So, I Got a New "Job"......

Today is day three of my new job. Like most employees experience at their first week of work, it’s hard to decide what to wear, it’s anxiety-ridden, stressful and I don’t really get to talk to my boss or co-workers until the end of the day. My new job, for the time being, is Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM).
      If you do the math, the time on “the job” might not be adding up; after all MiniMe is actually 3-1/2. It’s just that last Friday was the final day at a job that I’ve held for a quarter of my life. I started there just a few days after graduating from college and have worked there for the past 11 years; and now here I am. This change wasn’t a decision that I made on my own, I’ve joined the ranks of many Americans who have been downsized- my position was eliminated.
      I am terribly sad about that chapter of my life ending. When you hear people talk about loving their jobs, well, I was one of them. I mean I really, really, really LOVED my job, it was a huge part of who I was. I put every ounce of effort into it and my reward was…. Well, this and it truly is bittersweet.
Before I actually had MiniMe, we didn’t even discuss me staying home with her- I wanted to work, in fact I needed to work- not just for the money, but for the self-fulfillment and personal enrichment. I felt like a well-rounded person working AND being a mom (yet, I always tried to find better work/life balance- go figure?!!!?) We also were blessed that our arrangements for daycare were not only free, but with Anti-Latte’s mom, so Mini was in the loving care of her grandma every day. And this, is why I didn’t feel guilty for working- well, once or twice when she was sick… but how lucky were we?
      She will still spend many days at her grandma’s house for several reasons- she gets to see her cousins every other day, I still have some other commitments that will necessitate daycare as well as the fact that Grandma K is a recent widow and MiniMe is a great diversion and excellent therapy. I also don’t want to completely interrupt her schedule should I be fortunate enough to find my next wonderful job sooner rather than later. Also, we will be enrolling her into pre-school this Spring. Yeah, you’re thinking, “She’s not a real SAHM.” You’re right; I have no clue what I am. I’m stuck in emotional limbo of being completely devastated about being laid off to feeling some excitement to getting to spend more time with my family. How cool is it that for the first time since I was 12, I don’t have a work commitment? How sad is it that I don’t have a work commitment? How awesome is it that I can stay at home with my child? How freaked out am I about staying home with my child? Will I get bored? Will we all still like each other at the end of the day? (Oh, c’mon- you’ve experienced those weekends where you couldn’t wait to get back to the office!) What will I wear? No, seriously. I walked into my closet over the weekend and broke into hysterics upon seeing my work wardrobe. I think I have more pajamas than I do casual clothes (and I refuse to venture out of the house, on purpose, in my pajamas). So, I wore yoga pants, and went to the gym twice in the past two days-- this coming from someone who only set foot in the gym twice all of last year. It’s something that I CAN control at this point so I’m relishing it.
      The loss of a job feels like a death- and I’ve gone through most of the stages of grieving over it, not in order and I'm sure I'm not done with it. It is extremely personal. A part of me is gone now and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve started with a very lofty to-do list- things that I’ve always wanted to get ‘around to,’ organizing the CD collection (seriously- I want them all on iTunes so I can pitch the clutter), watching 68 64 episodes of “The Closer” on my DVR; you know, really important things.
        I’ve done most of the work to get ahead of this- my resume is so polished (so explain, why isn’t anyone calling!?) as is my LinkedIn profile, I’ve already applied for unemployment insurance (this will be interesting!) and I’m starting to network. I very much want to take my wonderful husband’s advice and try to enjoy this time, it’s just weird. Not having to go in to an office on any given week day. That’s one thing on my list though- organizing my office- creating an organized nice one to ‘commute’ to when I’m job hunting or working on my direct sales business (who knows! That’s a great focus point too- did you know that there are many women in this country who make six figures work in direct sales?- watch me!) There will be good days- those packed with enough errands and appointments to keep me busy; and then those days where the thought of my ‘former’ life will bring me to instant tears. Many benefits of being out of work- less money for gas or lunches on the go, dealing with commuter traffic, dry cleaning bills, great coffee from my Keurig; and then the downfall- my boss is super demanding- but when she throws those grubby little hands around my neck and says, “I love you Mommy!” it brings me back to reality and I take a deep breath and think that this might be the best job ever.

Day 38: Jinxed

We have a running joke around our house to not bring attention to the fact that things are going well.... like, "I haven't gotten sick all year...." "I  haven't missed one green light yet," the instant you say it, it happens. The next day you awake with a scratch throat, or you hit the next 10 signals red, red,red.  Jinx.  I jinxed it-  the earlier post about mom doing so well completely went sideways. I recived a call this morning around 8:30- when the 231 prefix comes up it always makes my stomach drop.... and sure enough..... Mom became unresponsive this morning and they called a Code Blue to revive her.  (I hear these every day at the hospital--- it makes me sad especially when the next intercom page is followed by one for a chaplain.) She recived CPR and needed to intubate her yet again- if you're counttingg,  this time makes four.  Back to square one: arterial line; feeding tube;  monitors; back in the Cardiac ICU.  The  diagnosis from today  is that  she aspirated on her own  saliva and began choking; with her already in a precarious condition with her lungs,this caused her to  stop  breathing and then her heart stopped beating.  Fortunatley she didn't have to be shocked..... if there is anything fortunate in this situation. Her lungs are in really  bad shape- from the COPD and pulmonary  edema. For this reason alone, she may not be a candidate for heart surgery, ever.  But they said we'll have to wait out the next 24 to 72 hours.  That must be the standard response as I am having a vivid flashback to March 8th when I  first heard that her condition was grave.  She pulled through that time- I hope that her has the fortitude and heart to do it once again..... and that I can stand by  patiently  watching.  This is so. flipping. hard.  I'm surrounded by a team of very supportive people to help me through this and the only person that I want to go running to right now is my Mom..... so ironic.  I can hear her telling me, "Oh babe, I'm so sorry that you are going through this."  She wasn't really one to offer unsolicited advice but she sure is a great listener. Amazingly so.  She's always been that way.  And offers up a funny one liner in that charming sense of humor of hers to make you laugh and temporarily forget about your troubles.  I wish that I could remember more now to get me through     I am so, so glad that we took MiniLatte  to see her on Thursday. She looked amazing and  un-alarming  so MiniLatte was happy to see her Grandma and vice versa.  A bright spot Im sure.  My intentions are also to reminder her what she has to fight for-- to see this wonderful little girl grow up.  She will get to see that. She has to, I can't imagine my life without my  Mom.     The next few days are going to have some sleepless nights attached to them and I know that  the walk from the parking garage is going to be tortuorously long enough for that enormous lump to  appear in my stomach as I fear what I'm going to walk into......

Day 37

A glimpse of 'before' Mom today. Before the heart 'incident' that has so turned my world upside down. She was sitting up in a chair when I walked into the room this afternoon and gave me a big smile when she saw the vase of one dozen pink roses that I brought for her; she can have flowers now that she has been transferred to a Progressive Care Unit instead of the ICU. "Oh, babe, they're beautiful...." she whispers and then her head drops down to her chest.  Speaking four words takes an unimaginable amount of energy for someone who's been hospitalized for so long.
    Forming each word, let alone a sentence is something that you or I may take for granted; even the simple act of sitting upright in a chair or brushing your teeth may seem so mundane.  For Mom, they're tasks that must be thought out and deplete all of the energy from an already-taxed body. She has not suffered any neurological damage during her hospitalization, however the large amounts of sedation has made talking quite the chore. Walking is another story- she has lost most of her muscle tone and cannot support herself in an upright position sitting.  Yes, she was sitting in a chair today, however she was secured to the chair with a Posey belt with an attendant not too far away. The 90-minutes of sitting left her spent- which is actually a good thing as she might get some much needed rest and will not suffer from anxiety the rest of the day.
    We found out yesterday that she is weeks away from the heart surgery that she needs to replace the valves. She won't survive it in her current condition- it is a surgery that a somewhat healthy person will have problems recovering from so that option is completely off of the table. The surgeons are going to reevaluate her each week; the nurses and support team will be providing her with aggressive therapy to help get her on the road to recovery much faster.  "If it were my mom, I wouldn't do it," states the surgeon. I understand that and appreciate that- I just wanted the doctors to be straight with me. Her primary pulmonologist and cardiologist weren't telling me part of the story- for each internal organ that is not working correctly, it lessens recovery by 25%. With low functioning lungs, hear and liver, there's only a 25% chance of recovery at this point- wait it out and odds will improve. 
    Fine, we'll wait this out day by day. In the meantime, try to provide her with the moral and emotional support that she needs to cope with her new 'living arrangements' (at least it's a private room!) and be her advocate.  I'm so thankful that an acquaintance is actually an RN in that unit and has called dibs on my Mom whenever she is on shift.  She's a great nurse and takes extra special care of mom and goes the extra mile for us.  Another little blessing in this adventure- I'll take each one that we find!  Especially because things are so difficult.... trying to return to some sense of normal at home outside of the hospital. We'll see- it will have to be after my own surgery (yeah, really- I have to have my gall bladder removed- nice timing, eh?) next week. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention this is on top of the news that a very close family member has been diagnosed with lung cancer (nameless right now as most of the family doesn't yet know); and my 93 year-old paternal grandfather is currently in hospice care with bladder cancer.  This year has been a dozy--- that's why we are just surviving life one day at a time right now.  We're not the first, nor will be the last, family to overcome adversity but sometimes it's a lonely journey......